Embarking

I am about to embark on my leave of absence from my job - in just a few more days. What does one do with a significant amount of time off? I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that I haven't had a significant amount of time off since I started working - so since I was 15. I have either always been a student and/or employed. And certainly I haven't had time off since graduating from law school. I mean, I had some time off, if you can call it that, but I was studying for a bar exam. And if you knew me in real life, you would know that I way over did it on the studying and passed by A LOT. But that's just like me. That doesn't count as time off, cause I studied like it was my job. So - a significant amount of time off - will I go crazy without my job to validate me and consume me? We'll see and I'll let you know how that goes. My big fear of course is getting bored and feeling useless. Too much of my identity is wrapped up in my job - but that's all about to change....

As far as the meds go that I am on -I waver on a daily basis as to whether I want to be on them, need to be on them. The days I feel really normal I think - this is great - I don't need to do this! Wait, what? On the days I feel really bad, I think, screw this - I don't want to do this. I haven't had very many days when I feel totally even and normal - but today was one of those days, so it is getting better, more level and less extreme. I'm still not up to the right dose - it just takes a long time, another week and a half and I will be.

I don't really know what other options I have than to stick this out and see if the meds work, because the thing is, my mood cycling is borderline dangerous - it wasn't always, but now it is. I sort of think I tried everything to fix it and well, I ran out of options. I don't have control over it, so what else can I do?

I will say this though, not only is it leveling my mood out, some anyway, it has gotten rid of my anxiety (on the days when I feel good) (well, except about money) and it also has had the nice side effect of turning down the crazy in my head. Meaning the ism - of alcoholism, the crazy making in your head, the insanity, the thinking, the way your mind works, the obsessive thinking, the worrying, the catastrophizing of everything, the worst case scenario thinking - all of it - the crazy - it has taken it all down a notch, or ten. Dare I say, I do feel "normal." (Or what I think normal is anyway)

I'll be posting more during my leave...