An almond in a bunch of grapes

I am not sure this is the best comparison, but it's what my surgeon said. When I had breast cancer, it definitely didn't feel like an almond - it felt like a very very large grape. Nevertheless, that's what she said - think of it that way when I look for things. I have lumpy breast tissue, not a lot of fat and very dense. And a breast cancer that didn't feel like breast cancer - so, how the hell am I supposed to know what I am feeling?

Two and a half weeks ago I had an appointment with my oncologist - just a follow-up. I posted about it - it was fine, except that I couldn't get comfortable with the outcome. She said there was nothing there - that the lump that I felt in my left breast, the one I didn't have it in - was a gland and was nothing.

Now, how comfortable would you feel if you had previously had breast cancer and your doctor said, yeah, I feel the lump, but it is nothing? And I trust my doctors - I have good doctors. But does my doctor actually expect me to be satisfied with her guarantee that based on feel alone, the lump is nothing?

I tried, for two and a half weeks to get comfortable with it. But how can you - when you know in the back of your mind that if it is something - you are wasting very valuable time. I just couldn't get comfortable with it.

So I went to my surgeon which is what my onc told me to do. And she said yes, I feel the lumps, they are nothing, I am sure of it. But she did an ultrasound anyway, because I told her I could not function the fear and anxiety were so bad, and indeed, there is nothing there. We looked at my lumpy breast tissue, the ducts, my nipple, my muscle, the little bit of fat.

Now I feel relieved, finally. Don't I? I feel like I should feel more relieved than I do.

She told me to come see her every three months instead of every 6 and she will do a breast exam so that I don't have to. I can relax people - well, except that I have a mammogram on the 29th.