As if I don't feel guilty, as if I am unafraid

Hey folks, so I am going to try to track my leave here on the blog. I mean my "holiday." I am calling it a holiday like my colleagues in Europe cause it sounds better. So let's officially start today. We will see how long this lasts - meaning me keeping up with posting about what's going on.

Today I went shopping since this is after all about me enjoying myself. Frankly though, this holiday is pretty expensive, so I need to curb the shopping.

Also, I am doing a little AA thing on myself that we call acting as if. AA people always say, you have to act your way into right thinking (cause you can't think your way into it). In other words, if you change your behavior, your thinking will follow. And when you are struggling with something - AA people will tell you to act as if. If you don't have faith, act as if you do. If you don't want to do something, do it anyway and act as if you want to, etc. Act as if.

So, I am acting as if I don't feel guilty (cause I feel guilty as hell about this holiday), and I am acting as if I am not afraid of this mammogram (and we all know how I really feel).

I'm sorry for scaring anyone and I am definitely not joking about what I said in that last post - (I turned it back into a draft by the way because I definitely do not want to upset anyone) - meaning I definitely do not take it lightly. It's very scary, very - the whole experience is scary beyond anything I can describe, and I just need to be honest about where my head goes because AA tells me to be honest about what goes on in my head. And in this case, the reason is so I will be protected in case anything goes wrong. That's why I told my doctor that - because I need to be protected from myself and I can't guarantee how I would react. So I'm just being careful. But you can be sure that there are people who would protect me and support me. I didn't have that the last time really, but I do now.

I do take it very seriously - that's part of the reason I went on meds, cause my low got too low and it scared the shit out of me to feel like I had no control over myself.

On that note though - we upped the dose of both of my meds 9 days ago and I am happy to report that I had about 6 days in a row where I felt level, even, in the middle, like normal people. It was awesome. AWESOME. Yesterday I had so much anxiety though and then I crashed a little and was a little on the down side. I've had no upswing at all really. Regardless though - we may have to up them again, but the meds are working. I feel like a different person.