Hanging over me

My mammogram was clear. Yes, it was as traumatic as the experience I had in January with the MRI. The only thing that made it less traumatic is that I was able to get a definitive okay after only 3 hours of waiting as opposed to 3 days.

It is a kind of horrifying that I can't describe to you when the technician comes down the hall and says to you - we need more films, the radiologist sees a spot on each breast and can't tell if it is breast tissue. It is further horrifying when she still can't tell from the additional films so they want you to have an ultrasound. And in between all of these trips down the hall and conversations with the radiologist, you wait, and you wait. You wait in a room with other women. I can't bear to wait in that room so I asked if I could please just go somewhere and wait alone.

It is horrible. And then in the end it's fine, but you don't feel relieved for some reason. You ask 10 times, are you sure, are you positive, how do you know, are you sure you can't see it? I have to just tell myself that if the radiologist had any doubts about what she was looking at, she would triple check. But the up and the down and the vagueness and uncertainty make it hard to relax into the "okay." It's Wednesday morning, I've known since 3 p.m. yesterday that it is okay, and I still don't feel okay.

The reason is probably this. So we moved this appointment up from September to get it over with - so that I could go on leave and enjoy it and not be worried about a mammogram in September. That was the plan.

Remember how I said my surgeon and I decided to skip the MRIs because of what happened the last time? It isn't standard protocol and it was so traumatic - in fact it was that MRI experience that resulted in me needed this time off. Remember?

The radiologist wants me to do the MRIs. Now I have a conflict between two doctors.

The reason she says is because she had a hard time telling on the mammogram whether what she was looking at was breast tissue, or whether it was something else and it was hard to tell because my breast tissue is so incredibly dense. When you smash it and look at a 2 dimensional image of it, tissue gets compressed on top of tissue and you can't always tell what is what. The downside if the MRI is that it picks up everything, but presumably could pick up something that a mammogram wouldn't.

Yet my surgeons says it is not standard follow-up. So it's up to me I guess, to decide. If I had known that the radiologist would want me to do it so bad, I could have done it in mid-July and gotten that over with now too. But I wasn't planning to do it because my surgeon said it was okay not to. It is a calculated risk, how much chance am I willing to take with my own life?

The MRI, it has to be timed with my cycle, so it would either be at some point late in August or in September - I have to count the days.

Do you know what that means? That means for a good part of my leave, the fear and anxiety will still be hanging over me. I'm not sure I will be able to enjoy this time off or get the most benefit from it knowing hell is around the corner. I will anticipate it the entire time.

Help - I don't know how to let go of this.

Next week I am calling my surgeon to have her send me to the plastic surgeon - my doctor said she could do a nipple conserving mastectomy on me with implants under the muscle. I know, that seems drastic, but I don't know how much more of my life I can lose to these appointments.

I feel like I am losing my entire leave, the point is being ruined. I won't get another leave like it, and it's ruined.