Finally. I feel even again. As of yesterday. It's been oh, coming up on 3 weeks or so since I felt level. Finally yesterday/today I feel level. My doctor uppped my Lamictal last Tuesday to 200 mg. It's taken since last Tuesday for it to kick in. The unfortunate side effect of upping the Lamictal appears to be that I once again can't sleep. I can fall asleep. But I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. and am up for 2 plus hours. The thing is - I don't feel hyper or manic during those two hours, I feel calm and fine, I'm just awake. It used to be that I woke up and felt all out of whack - like I wanted to get up and clean and exercise and tear the house apart and reorganize the closet. I don't feel that way.
I've taken sleeping medication on and off for a while to deal with this. But I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to take Lunesta every night - though it works very well, most nights. I am worried about getting hooked on it in my head. It's not addictive (cause you know I worry about anything that is - though I never did drugs, I did take over the counter things in a recreational manner (Benedryl and other assorted things (did you know that those sometimes kill your appetite - my mother told me that back in the day, people used to take antihistamines as diet pills - that is not a good thing to tell someone who feels they need to lose weight - I am digressing))). Even when something isn't addictive, I get worried about becoming psychologically addicted to it. Especially when it has to do with sleeping, or making me feel out of it.
It seems to me that I slept better before I went on bipolar medication. Hmm. Makes it awfully tempting to go back off. Just to sleep normally. This is like drinking - you stop and then you go - well gosh, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I didn't drink that much - I didn't wake up in my own vomit that many times. I didn't "forget" what happened on a given night that many times. You just start to forget.
I am afraid I may be forgetting how bad my mood swingyness was there at the end. I need to remember that, otherwise, one day, I'll just unilaterally decide to go off. I wonder if this is like drinking in another way. When it comes to drinking - if you go back out, as we say - you don't go back to the beginning, you don't even necessarily pick up where you left off - you are usually much worse because alcoholism progresses whether you drink or not. That's why so many people, when they go back out, find that they destroy their lives in a very short time - much quicker than the time before. Or they end up dead. I know a lot of people who died when they went back out.
I wonder if this is like that - where you stop taking meds and find yourself much worse off than before. With drinking, it isn't worth finding out.
I've taken sleeping medication on and off for a while to deal with this. But I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to take Lunesta every night - though it works very well, most nights. I am worried about getting hooked on it in my head. It's not addictive (cause you know I worry about anything that is - though I never did drugs, I did take over the counter things in a recreational manner (Benedryl and other assorted things (did you know that those sometimes kill your appetite - my mother told me that back in the day, people used to take antihistamines as diet pills - that is not a good thing to tell someone who feels they need to lose weight - I am digressing))). Even when something isn't addictive, I get worried about becoming psychologically addicted to it. Especially when it has to do with sleeping, or making me feel out of it.
It seems to me that I slept better before I went on bipolar medication. Hmm. Makes it awfully tempting to go back off. Just to sleep normally. This is like drinking - you stop and then you go - well gosh, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I didn't drink that much - I didn't wake up in my own vomit that many times. I didn't "forget" what happened on a given night that many times. You just start to forget.
I am afraid I may be forgetting how bad my mood swingyness was there at the end. I need to remember that, otherwise, one day, I'll just unilaterally decide to go off. I wonder if this is like drinking in another way. When it comes to drinking - if you go back out, as we say - you don't go back to the beginning, you don't even necessarily pick up where you left off - you are usually much worse because alcoholism progresses whether you drink or not. That's why so many people, when they go back out, find that they destroy their lives in a very short time - much quicker than the time before. Or they end up dead. I know a lot of people who died when they went back out.
I wonder if this is like that - where you stop taking meds and find yourself much worse off than before. With drinking, it isn't worth finding out.
1 comment:
Going off your meds right now is a very bad idea.
I hope the insomnia abates. I've been struggling with it myself for several years now.
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