Chalk it up to something

I don't feel good today.  I feel down.  Not depressed, but down.  There is up and there is down - both to varying degrees, but depressed is something different.  I could articulate all of the things that I feel down about today, but that doesn't really matter anyway.  I don't really think this is cause for concern, but this is the first hint of a mood change that I have really felt since going off of/ decreasing medication.  I went down last night another 50 mg so I am off of everything but two drugs - a mood stabilizer and something to sleep.  I'm on half of both.  Four more weeks and I will be on nothing.  Hmm.  Like I said, not too worried at this point, I mean, everyone has an off day sometimes.  A day where things don't go right or where you don't feel good about yourself or anything really etc.  I mean even on all kinds of crap I had days like this.  It's bugging me just a little though.  No part of me thought that stopping taking medication was going to result in no changes in my mood.  I just wonder if I am fully prepared for what might come.  It's not like I have forgotten what it's like to have my mood cycle from up to down every 24 hours.  I can remember what that feels like.  A small part of me is hoping like hell that it won't happen.  It's just what the fuck am I going to do if it does.  I want to be off of and stay off of medication.  But I have to be honest, coping with your mood cycling so severely every 24 hours is not easy.  I have to be able to get outside of myself or something, if that makes sense, to be able to tell myself that the way that I am feeling isn't real.  It isn't real.  It isn't permanent.  At least to get through the down part.  The up swing though, I mean you can't beat it really.  You pretty much feel on top of the world.  The thing is, there is no middle ground for me.  Well, ok, on meds I am pretty much always in the middle with a few blips on the radar.  It's really hard for me to be in the middle on nothing.  At least it used to be.  You are always riding an up swing or dangerously on a down swing.  And regardless of which one you are on, everything is drastically out of proportion to reality.  There is a certain degree of irrationality to it.  And it's really hard in the midst of it to be objective.  I have found that the higher the high is, the lower the low.  I am not trying to freak anyone out - it's just I've never tried to describe what it feels like before or what it is like to live it.  I would like to think that my coping skills are better than they were almost four years ago now when I started taking medication.  It's just when you are in it you are in it.  I have such fine tuned awareness of what my mood is and what is happening with it that you would think I might be able to control it some how.  But then again, maybe not.  I don't know.  Before I was not nearly as aware or tuned in as I am now.  Like I will recognize a problem immediately.  I will know where I am at and what to expect and when, but finding a way to live with it, that's difficult.  Even I don't know for sure if I can accomplish that.  Though obviously that is what I am going to try to do if it happens.  Well, I guess we will see.  Only more days will tell I guess if I am running into trouble.  It's not that you can't live through it, you can.  Clearly.  I mean I did for like 15 years before I ever took anything.  It's hard to describe what it's like really.  Just imagine that you wake up in the morning and everything is wonderful and perfect and happy and amazing, the possibilities are limitless, and then by the end of the day, you go to bed utterly devastated.  That's the best way I can describe it.  Anyway, now I've got myself all worked up over feeling funky for one day.  Fuck.  Now if I rebound tomorrow is that cause for concern?  Is that an up?  Or will I just feel "normal?"  Whatever the hell that is.