If everything is as okay as I claim it to be today - then why do I feel so anxious? Is it precisely because everything is okay? Is this the "uncomfortable comfort" that I posted about? I have no drama, nothing to freak out about, work is good - busy but manageable, no life crises, nothing. I have nothing to stress about, nothing to worry about. Suddenly, in a moment of absolute calm, I was over come with fear and anxiety. The fear of - oh shit, I might have some free time on my hands today.
My job works sort of like a drug and most of the time I love it, though sometimes I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with it. I thrive on the stress of it and the deadlines and the work I do is really interesting and exciting, cutting edge lots of times, at least in my world. I like to be busy though there is a fine line between just busy enough and working way too much. I am usually so busy that I literally don't even have a second to think about myself - and it is when I am not thinking about myself that I feel the best.
I like sometimes to let my job consume me. It is the one thing I am really good at and consistent at even when the rest of my life feels like a failure, which it frequently does. Although I struggle with not letting myself be defined by my job, I feel totally in my element there and more comfortable there than anywhere else. At work I am totally confident and sure of myself. When I walk out the door of my office though, I leave that behind. I like the me that does my job. I want to be that version of myself elsewhere - I want to carry that confidence and self-assurance into the rest of my life, but I don't know how to.
I keep telling my sponsor that I feel like 3 different people, actually 4, the one who goes to work, the one who goes every where else, the one you perceive, and the one I perceive myself to be. I want to integrate these. She keeps telling me this will happen eventually. Anyway, here I am, back at work after being "off" for two weeks. I say "off" because I worked some while on vacation and stopped in London for work on the way home. I have returned to find that things are surprisingly under control here - I was reading email the whole time etc. and of course I came in Friday, the day after I got back, to sort through what I missed.
Things are pretty calm here. I am busy (and procrastinating at the moment in an unintentional effort to build up the stress of this deadline, or uh - intentionally) but not crazy overwhelmed like I usually am. Which means, I just might get to go home at a reasonable, if not even early hour. Things feel balanced today - which is what I am striving for. And this balance is also where the panic sets in - what will I do, how will I occupy myself? Enjoy myself, how do I do that? Do something I like to do - do I know what that consists of? Relax - um, right.
Sometimes without the craziness of my job to consume me, I feel at a complete loss.
2 comments:
I agree with your sponsor - it will all come together - just give time time. And keep going to meetings and doing what you are supposed to be doing.
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