Today I have 18 months. Thank God for that.
I just have to share this silly story that happened when I got back from Europe today - mostly because I am grateful that I can laugh about this, and also tell other people rather than be ashamed of it. I've blogged just a bit about the fact that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't just mean that I am slightly compulsive about double checking that the stove is off - like we all are (we all are like this right?) - I mean real OCD (I have irrational thought and behavior associations and I do strange things to alleviate the anxiety), though I have managed since I was about 8 to control it myself and have never taken medication. As I mentioned in that one post - my doctor says it "doesn't affect my ability to function." Ask me whether or not this is true on a bad day.
My OCD goes something like this - if I don't eat chocolate today, things won't fall apart at work. If I double check the iron one more time, I will have a good day. If I don't wear X shirt today, my brother won't get hit by a bus. I absolutely have to see how much money I owe on my credit card, literally right this second, or I am going to lose my job. Okay, so I am weird. This is a great anxiety relieving thing for me. All I have to do is not wear X, not eat Y, double check Z, do A, B and C at exactly the moment they must be done, no matter what...and I am guaranteed an anxiety free day. For some reason I feel less ashamed about this than the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Not sure why.
So, I got back from "vacation," tried to shred something, turn on my home computer, toast a bagel and connect my work computer to the wireless. Nothing worked - though it took me many minutes to realize that the toaster wasn't getting hot...I should know this - I do this every time I come home from being out of town for more than three days - I try to toast something and it doesn't work. (A good question might be why do I need to be on two computers, a blackberry and my cell phone all at once within hours of returning to the country...).
Why does nothing in the house work? Because I have unplugged a random three quarters of the things in the house - and let me tell you that it is random. Why? Cause it makes me feel better to unplug things when I leave town, and rather than ruin my vacation worrying that my world is going to somehow implode and it will be related to the fact that the red lamp is plugged in, I just go ahead and unplug things. A lamp here, a lamp there, the shredder, the toaster, the wireless for my mac, the printer, one power strip. Left the t.v. plugged in, the tivo - some other miscellaneous things in that corner. Every time I come home I forget that I have done this and only figure it out as one by one I try to use things and they don't work. I leave everything plugged in when I am in town though - I didn't always. That's progress! Ha ha!
3 comments:
I wonder, L, if you have the same experience as me when you encounter other people who have similar "crazy stuff" as you do.
There is a type of radar I have, that starts thrumming the minute I encounter someone who tilts the crazy wheel, sometimes an actual physical reaction like the hair rising on the back of my neck, when I am in the presence of someone who is somewhat nutso.
The anxiety and craziness in my early twenties means that I'm always waiting for it to resurface, that I don't trust myself to keep from that abyss in the future. I have an immediate, primal fear of it when I recognize it in others.
so I wonder if you see OCD stuff in other people. Is it amusing but sad? scary? or maybe comforting that you are not alone? just wondering.
many, many congrats and best wishes on 18 months. such difficult, difficult work! Thanks for all you do to share your recovery
Christen in A2
Happy 18 months. I hope you got to a meeting now that you are back in the USA.
oh yeah, i do that same thing, making little linkages, if i do this then everything will be ok, if that happens, then i know i'm not this. I kind of thought everyone made those little deals with themselves.
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