You have to fight for yourself, otherwise, everyone will watch while you drown

So my oncologist sent me to the psychologist in the cancer center a couple of months ago because I was calling her every two weeks with really bad anxiety about getting cancer again. It turned out that this guy was really great, really easy to talk to, also sober for 18 years - a really good fit for me. He seemed to get my insanity on all levels if you know what I mean. He sent me to the psychiatrist in the cancer center to talk about going on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug - something I have been very opposed to for myself (though it has been suggested more times than I can count), but I think it is a great help to many many people. We decided to make a decision when I returned from my trip.

While in Germany, I decided that I am now willing to try taking medication short term while talking to the psychologist because I was depressed enough in Germany that it scared me and because I cycle through depression and some sort of opposite extreme of depression (though not mania) at a very rapid pace. In other words, I am fine when I get up in the morning and borderline not sure if I can live any longer by the time I go to bed (though I am not suicidal - don't call me freaking out). I had previously looked through my insurance to find a therapist and was having difficulty finding someone who would take a new patient and someone with experience dealing with cancer patients and alcoholism. It was a huge headache and really frustrating. The guy at the cancer center was just a perfect fit.

Today I find out that he has had to leave for an emergency and they don't know when or if he is coming back because they don't know what happened. I find this out when I went to my appointment only to have them say, oh, someone was supposed to call you. The psychiatrist apparently is leaving also. They told me that the social worker is taking his patients but she is unavailable. I eventually get her on the phone, only to be told that she isn't taking his patients, she is simply referring them out - I am not a counselor is what she tells me. I also find out that she is referring them out with no regard for what type of health insurance you have nor do they have much regard for you as a person or the issues you may be having. She gives me a number to call. Those people tell me that they aren't taking any patients with health insurance for at least 3 months. WHAT?

I call the social worker back. I try to explain my issues - I'm sober, I'm freaking out, the anxiety is killing me, I'm depressed, extremely depressed, as depressed as you can be without being suicidal, I was going to go on medication today - I don't want to keep delaying this, can't someone see me, isn't there someone who can see me, I'm desperate I tell her, I'm not okay, I AM NOT OKAY, I need to talk to someone (now I am not typically one to ask for help mind you - I find this very hard, and here I am practically begging for it)....She tells me the psychologist might be back in 3-4 weeks, they just don't know for sure and she would really rather not send me to the psychiatrist again because he is leaving anyway. I feel like saying so - I don't care and I don't care what you think. I don't care if I have to talk to 15 different people for 15 different weeks, I just need to talk to someone, right now.

This is very discouraging and has pissed me off to the point that I can't get any work done. I think it is totally inappropriate to take a bunch of patients and kick them to the side like this. I feel as though I have been dropped into the middle of Lake Michigan with no life preserver, there are people standing there watching me drown, I am screaming for someone to help me, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, and they are all just standing there watching. What do I have to do to get a little help here? Do I have to say I am suicidal to get someone to pay attention and help me? Do I have to get myself admitted to the psych ward? Cause to tell you the truth, I am feeling a little bit nutso and unstable at the moment. This inability to get some help just might push me over that ledge I've been dangling off of for a while now.

Now granted, because I have outstanding survival skills and crisis management skills, a by-product of my shitty childhood and the fact that I basically raised myself - in the background of this I am making phone calls, calling doctors, calling other hospitals, calling the Employee Assistance Program number at work, calling an old therapist, calling my sponsor etc., calling my oncologist's physician assistant...trying to work out some alternative for myself because no one else seems to give a shit and no one else is helping me. One thing that I learned in this hell that I have been through with doctors and surviving cancer etc. - you have to be your own advocate. You HAVE to be. This is one area where being a survivor has come in handy - I know how to detach myself from the emotion of a situation and survive it.

At the beginning of my breast cancer nightmare (before I knew I had cancer), the first surgeon I had recommended that I wait 6 months to biopsy the lump in my breast because I was 28 and it was probably nothing. I said absolutely not - if you can tell me right now for sure that this is nothing, then I want you to prove it. I forced her to biopsy it immediately. As it turned out, the kind of cancer I had was extremely dangerous and very fast growing (needless to say, I got another doctor).

I was tremendously lucky that it had not spread. Imagine if I had not taken action on behalf of myself.