It's been 13 days since I've been to a meeting. I only did this once before - went this long without a meeting. I think I went 15 days. That time it was because I was in the middle of breast cancer treatment, working like crazy, didn't feel that well, was lazy, was in between sponsors, and frankly, I was full of excuses not to go. This time it is because there are no English speaking meetings that I can get to where I am at in Germany. No wonder my mental state is in the toilet. I really underestimated the effect this would have on me. I would have taken this trip anyway - but I just wasn't prepared for it. Not sure how I could have prepared though anyway. I am reading, working on the re-write of my inventory, calling my sponsor...
I felt relieved though when a friend told me this morning that a friend of hers with 36 years of sobriety said he would start to go crazy if he didn't go to a meeting for 4 days. That makes me feel a lot better. Somehow, people outside of AA have planted this idea in my head that the longer I stay sober, the less I need to go to meetings. This just isn't ever going to be the case. Sometimes I hate this fact, but right now, I accept it, cause I really need a meeting.
So, basically, on day 13 of no meetings - I'm really fucking angry and completely terrified. I'm angry that I had breast cancer at 29, I'm angry that I've had nothing but shitty relationships, and I'm angry at my mother for never getting sober and completely screwing me up. I feel like having breast cancer has destroyed my life and I just have no acceptance that this has happened to me. None, I have none. Not only do I have no acceptance, I can't even begin to process it, even now, 6 months after the whole ordeal was over. I feel as angry as I felt the day I walked into AA. I feel like I can't live with this. I just can't live with it. I can't live with the life that I have been left with.
I am being consumed by fear - absolutely eaten alive by it. I am terrified that I am going to get cancer again and have to die a miserable death before I even make it to 35. This is by far my biggest fear and I literally don't know what to do with it. If this happens, I will not be able to handle it.
What happened to everything I know? One day at a time...etc...gratitude...it all went out the window about 6 days ago.
3 comments:
Go to a meeting.
Whether or not they speak English is irrevalant.
Just go and sit and be there.
Oh my goodness. Daave just took the words right out of my mouth. I have heard many people report that just being at a meeting - regardless of the language- was helpful. It is, after all, the language of the heart. Please go. I would be wack-a-do without a meeting after 13 days - it is not a weakness... just a fact of our lives.
Good advice of course. I should tell on myself. I am the creater of my own misery. Aren't we all? I speak German - not a lot anymore, but enough that I could have gone to a meeting, and found someone who could talk to me in English afterwards. I would have been mostly clueless at the meeting though. Still - this is what I should have done. So, why am I now in London, and still haven't been to a meeting? I need my ass kicked!!
Post a Comment