A word for a lack of words

I am suffering from an inability to post. I don't know if it is a lack of words, or a lack of the right words. I suspect the latter because I have actually sent enough content in emails to a friend of mine to post for the entire month of June probably - it's just nothing that I feel like talking to all of you about. I did a little searching around on the Internet, thesaurus.com, to find a word for a lack of words to title this post, and I couldn't find one that seemed fitting. It feels like there is a big hole where the words should be. I have wanted to post, but just can't.

The truth is, there is a lot on my mind, but again, nothing I feel like sharing with the rest of you - so I have limited myself to dumping it all out in email after email to the one friend who is privy to the crazy workings of my mind. I am in a bit of a strange place honestly. A lot was going on just before I left town, and it has now been 10 days since the last AA meeting I went to. To my unfortunate surprise, I can't get to any of the English speaking meetings where I am at because they are all located on a US military base that I am unable to enter.

Not only that, but my higher power seems to have missed the plane and neglected to stand by for a later flight. I feel a complete disconnection over here. Like my HP is not present. I asked it today if it could show up please, just show me it's here. I am still waiting for a sign. So, what happens when you don't go to AA meetings? You start to go crazy in your own head frankly - and any of us would tell you that any of our heads is a dangerous place to be by yourself. I know this is meaningless to those of you non AAers, and I have tried many times and failed at trying to explain why this happens or what this is like. I assure you it is not that I feel like drinking - that rarely, if ever, has anything to do with it.

So, here I have been hanging out in my own screwed up head for 10 days now. The result, honestly, is scary. When I don't go to meetings I suffer from a serious lack of perspective. My once seemingly, or sometimes seemingly amazing life (and yes, I will even tell you from time to time that my life is incredible, outstanding, I wouldn't have it any other way etc. and blah blah blah - was that really me giving that "open talk?"), suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, doesn't seem worth living (don't anyone freak out or call me regarding this statement, there is no reason to be alarmed). My negative attitude comes back, every thing sucks, nothing is right, nothing will ever be right, nothing will ever work out, I complain and complain, boo hoo, poor me, why me, why this, I give up, I'll never get what I want, I hate myself, I hate my life, I don't want to live it, I am not going to make it, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, or anything for that matter, I'm done, I'm not trying, I don't care, it's too painful (in other words, I revert to the me I used to be in many ways).

Truthfully, I might be having somewhat of a depression/anxiety/unidentified problem - something I am trying to work out outside of meetings and everything else going on in my life. I can say for sure that I am suffering a bit over here, but I was suffering before I got here. Also - I had come here with a mission - to figure some things out. I thought I would post about that, but I have decided not to. Sometimes I decide to keep something only in my head - never to write about it - never to distort it with imperfect words that can't accurately describe it anyway. Did I figure it out - you'll never know. I will tell you though that it is hard to accomplish much of anything when my HP is MIA.

My trip has been fun, relaxing, very enjoyable, my nephew is the cutest thing ever - that's all I am going to say. I will post photos though when I get back!

I have a few things yet to get done over here in the next week - I need to finish completely re-writing my 4th step inventory, finish a novel so I can leave it for my sister-in-law to read, mostly, I need to finish that inventory....