The fall makes me sad for other reasons

The fall and the spring - the times of year that evoke the most emotion - and the times of year that I most associate with unresolved issues in my life. The spring because it is my birthday - that time of year when I engage in the greatest reflection - where I look at my life and all of the ways that it doesn't meet my expectations. The fall makes me sad for other reasons. I associate the fall with family - I don't know why. I think of the holidays, the smell of wood burning in fireplaces, hot apple cider, sitting around with family, playing games or cards, laughing, remembering - these are not my memories. Where did they come from? They are just the things that I think of when I think of fall. Can you miss something you've never had? I think so.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been the times of year that I have dreaded the most on some level - there is hope followed by disappointment, followed by hope and then more disappointment. Eventually there is simply anticipation, followed by disappointment. The disappointment is unwavering. When I was a kid I dreaded these things because of the behavior of my father's family and because my mom was drunk and embarrassing on nearly every occasion. As an adult I dread it because I have no where to go to celebrate these times of family togetherness. No real family to share it with.

Until a few years ago - I choose to participate in the dysfunction that is my father's family for things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. I participated because I didn't know what else to do. It's almost like it doesn't matter how horrible it is, or how judgmental they are of you - you keep going because you just desperately want something that resembles a family. You just settle I guess. It's just like in other areas of my life - I'll settle for what I can get, just to say that I have something. Every year it is different and painful. A couple of years ago I decided not to go anymore. This was a step in the right direction I think - choosing not to participate was a healthier choice. I feel bad, in some ways, because I don't think my father understands. And I feel angry because all these years I have always thought that my father's family has simply felt justified in their treatment of us and my mother. They've always just believed that they were right by pushing my mother out of the family and treating her terribly. My mom is obviously not a saint - but their behavior when I was a kid was uncalled for and unacceptable. It was inexcusable. So I choose now not to excuse it by showing up and pretending.

Last year a friend, not a close friend, but a friend, took me to her parents' for Thanksgiving. I would otherwise have spent it alone. I think she felt sorry for me. A couple of years ago - I did spend Christmas alone actually. I sat on my couch in my pajamas all day and then ate spaghetti for dinner - it was the only thing I really had in the house and I hadn't bothered to go to the store in time. Last year I spent Christmas Eve at my sister-in-law's parents' house and then drove home Christmas morning - I didn't want to intrude on their otherwise family occasion. I know that I am always welcome there and they have never been anything but really nice and caring and welcoming to me - but I think I will always feel like I just don't quite belong there.

I feel like a charity case - I'm the extra person that shows up to dinner because someone felt sorry for me. I don't want to be that person. You would think on the one hand that it would make me feel good to have somewhere to go - and I am grateful for people's kindness, however, it stings in a way, almost more - to show up at someone else's house and listen to someone else's stories, and think about how you don't belong there. People always say - you get to make your own family - choose the friends you want to hang out with on the holidays. Everyone I know goes home to their families or has a family of their own. And frankly, I guess I haven't been that good at forming close friendships since living here. I know a lot of people. None of them know me. I'll save that for another post.

My relationship with my mother has come to a deafening halt I think. I have contemplated this moment all my life - the moment that I would no longer feel weighed down by her. And I have always known that I would be okay - that I would be absolutely fine if my mother never spoke to me again. That isn't the part that makes me sad. It doesn't sadden me that this woman, who thinks I am terrible anyway and always has, doesn't really want to be a mother to me or have much to do with me at all. It saddens me simply that she isn't someone else. If I am angry about anything, it is simply that I don't have someone else for a mother. The severance has been incomplete though. She called my brother, to see my nephew on the video chat - she never mentioned me or mentioned the money. My brother just said that she sounded sad. I am out from under her I think, but not free of her completely.

I am not sure what I'll do about the holidays this year. Thanksgiving I think I'll spend alone. Christmas I am worried about actually. I am close to my brother and sister-in-law and one cousin. And I know that I will see my brother and sister-in-law in December, when they are in town, but I will only get limited time with them. They have so much family on her side and so many people to see - I always feel like the one that gets left out. Of all of the sister-in-laws, I am the least important, I will see them probably the least. It makes me sad, because they are all I've got. But I can't be selfish I guess.

I will see my dad briefly around Christmas - probably with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. My dad will write me a check, right in front of me - because he lacks the forethought I guess to purchase a card and write the check out in advance - and buying me an actual gift would be unthinkable. I always want to say dad, just keep the money - this isn't even what this occasion is supposed to be about and I don't need it anyway. It's like he knows no other way to express whatever it is he feels for us - it is terribly unclear actually. A good example of my father is the following - I think I posted a story once about the Christmas that I actually purchased the card for myself, that my father gave me a check in. No wonder it seems that no one cares really. My dad asked me to purchase my own Christmas card. I guess I could have purchased a card that said all these wonderful things - how much he loved me and what a great daughter I am, and how proud he is - I just bought a blank one.

That same year, that I purchased the cards (I also purchased my brother's card from my dad), I purchased my brother and sister-in-law's Christmas gifts from our mother on the Internet with my mother's credit card, right in front of them. We laughed about it. But it wasn't really funny. On the topic of card buying - it's always an interesting experience when I have to purchase a card for one of my parents. I stand there in the card isle - nothing seems appropriate - none of the cards seem to apply to my situation. Do they make happy mother's day cards that apply to the circumstances in which I grew up? I stand there in the isle, and I never know whether to laugh or cry, so I laugh.

I am sad about the fall - more sad than normal. One might suggest that this is yet another example of my expectations gone afoul. Where did I ever get the idea that birthdays were supposed to be great and holidays about gathering with family and enjoying the time together? I'm not sure where I got those ideas.