The root of the root

I need to make a correction to my last post - or rather, an elaboration. I knew I wasn't digging deep enough when I wrote that. My problems with men, the bad relationships, lack of self-esteem, etc., and feeling like a guy can "fix" my life - that is like the root that you trip over when you aren't looking cause it is sticking up above the ground. That is a surface level issue, a symptom of the problem. AA tells me to look at causes and conditions. What lies beneath this thing lurking just at the surface?

Fear of course. Fear is the root of the root - it is the root of all disaster, drama, bad relationships, failures and even successes in my life. Like I said, anxiety (fear) is the great motivator of my life. It plagues me, drives me, colors my thinking, taints my decision making - both the good ones and the bad ones. Every thing I have ever done has been based on fear. It is woven through every last nook and cranny of my life. What does the Big Book say - it is the corrosive thread that touches just about every aspect of our lives - or something like that.

It all comes back to fear, every time, every problem, every issue, every unhappiness. The fear of losing what you have or not getting what you want - this is the key to everything. So if I can be free of the fear, I can be free of the unhappiness, in theory, because if I can be free of the fear, I can be happy with what I have. I can be happy alone, if I am no longer afraid that my happiness is dependant on someone wanting me. This is all in theory of course because in practice I still feel how I feel.

I will say this though - I do know that hanging your happiness on the behavior of another person is never a good idea. Eventually, people always disappoint you. Friends, they don't show up when you want them to. My old sponsor used to say that engaging in a relationship with me (this is going to seem a little harsh) would be like being forced to play a game (that you can't ever win), but not knowing that you were playing it and not being told the rules, and then getting in trouble when you lose.

This guy, this mythical guy who is going to materialize in my life and give me everything I've ever wanted and change the way I feel about myself and change everything - this is destined for disaster.