The root of it all

This series of posts has been me - trying to get to the root of it all. Just what exactly is the root of my unhappiness? And why do I still believe that something material can fix it? Is it because the rest of life is so intangible that I can't even really wrap my mind around it? Is it really inevitable that we always want what we don't have, or can't have? Could it be that material things are the cause, when so often we think of them as the solution? Just what is it about the material things in life that has such a hold over us? It is the way we measure our success, and the thing we use to compare ourselves to other people. For example, my father deems himself a good father because I am financially successful - he has told me that. The material things in our lives are tangible, measurable, quantifiable, like my job. Happiness is not like this, or so it seems, although we tend to approach it like it is.

It has only been through AA that I have learned to look at the less tangible aspects of people 's lives, like happiness for example - and start to ponder what might make up the contents of this thing we call "happiness." I might on the one hand say, my sponsor - she has a kind of serenity in her life that I want. I want what she has - peace, serenity, contentment, happiness. But how do I know that she has these things? I see them, but how, how do I identify them? Rarely do we look at someone's life and say gee, I wish that I could practice the patience and tolerance of others that that person does - look how much serenity he or she clearly has. No, of course we don't - we think, I want that person's car, job, house, husband, etc. - look at how happy they seem. This phenomenon of comparing your insides to another person's outsides is a dangerous one and also very inaccurate.

How exactly do we measure these intangible things that we want - how do we measure the degree of our happiness? It seems that we measure this by the material successes and failures of our lives. We are back where we started. It is a vicious cycle. I'll happy be if, and I'll be happy when. So am I destined for a life of unhappiness then? I cannot seem to untangle my material wants from my ultimate happiness. It will always be true that there will be something I want that I don't have. Can't I be happy in spite of this? How do I actually know that I am not happy at the present moment? Maybe this is happiness and I just don't know how to identify it. I feel the need to figure this out in a desperate kind of way. I need to get this. I need to figure this out. I desperately want to be happy.

Separate from this issue of material and intangible wants, I think I know what the problem actually is - what the problem is that underlies all of my other problems, both real and perceived. No matter which around the issues I go, I conclude the same thing every time. I have no self-esteem, or very little anyway, and that is basically the root of it all. I think so little of myself, that I believe that there is something wrong with me if no guy wants to be with me. The fact that I am 30 and alone, with no prospects in sight, means there is something fundamentally bad about me. I can't figure out what is so terrible about me, why am I so unlovable - and there is a part of me that just knows that if a guy wanted to be with me, I would be "happy." I know this isn't true like I know the sky isn't green, but this doesn't change the way I feel. I have never really been able to muster any self worth of my own - I've just tried to obtain it from others.

I landed in AA largely because I hated myself. I hated myself and I wanted to die and I was so unhappy that I didn't think I could live another day. I stuck around AA because I thought I would learn to at least like myself. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how little progress towards that goal I have actually made.