I told my mother no. She started crying, begging, pleading, begging. She did a little explaining - but I couldn't really make sense of it - only that she had lied - clearly - about some things she told me yesterday. I let the conversation go on far too long - something I am guilty of doing with her. I never quite seem to back out of a conversation with her before damage is done. Our conversations always head in the direction of recovery - me pleading with her - why don't you get it? Why don't you get help? Why don't you get sober? Why don't you go to a meeting? Why, why, why don't you get it? Why don't you see reality? WHY DO YOU NOT GET IT? WHY DO YOU FUCKING NOT GET IT? You fucking have a choice in this - why don't you get that? You are the cause of the misery that is your life - not me, not dad, not your mother - you. WHY DON'T YOU GET IT? I feel like I am banging my head against a wall.
I want her to get it. I need her to get it. What I want for me - is for her to accept responsibility. What I want for her is another chance. I want her to know that she doesn't have to be miserable. I want her to know what it's like to be happy. I need her to get it.
I probably said things today that I shouldn't have. Things that were harsh, but true - but probably didn't need to be said. I told her that if I gave her the money, it would mean the end of our relationship. I told her that I was done participating - that I was making a better choice for myself and choosing to no longer participate. It was very clear that if I would give her the money - she would rather have that than any hope of salvaging something between us. My mother would choose the money. Interestingly, she hasn't called my brother.
The were multiple phone calls. Multiple calls to my sponsor. My sponsor is really adamant that I stand my ground. If it weren't for her, I would have given in already. The only concession my sponsor offered was to tell her I would pay the bill directly to the creditor, provided she checked into a treatment program. She said no.
She said she guessed she always thought that you should help the people you care about. One time I confronted her about how she helps other people but has never helped my brother or I. Her response was - my friends tell me that I am such a caring, loving and giving person. I don't know why I'm not that way with my children. I don't know either.
She called me again, and left me a drunken voice mail - the content of which was how her demise has nothing to do with her being an alcoholic. Denial might be the most powerful thing I've witnessed - next to this disease of alcoholism.
I think she may literally lose everything she has. Why do I feel like the horrible kid she always told me I was? What makes me the most upset is that she believes that. She believes that I am a bad person - that I treated her poorly and inappropriately. She used to always say - I can't believe how horribly my children have treated me their entire lives. She probably believes that I am the most horrible person she has ever known. Why does that still affect me? Why isn't it enough that I don't believe that about myself? Does it make a difference how much money it is - does that affect how horrible of a person I am? If it were $500 - would it make me horrible - more horrible than if it were $5,000? She asked me for $2,000. It makes me feel worse that I can easily afford to give it to her, I just don't want to.
If anything, I feel more sad for her than I do angry.
1 comment:
But you are helping her, even if she doesn't see it that way. Unfortunately, it may take losing everything to break though the denial that she's lived in for all these years. Of course, there's no guarantee that she'll get it even then. Sadly, some people never do. I hope, for your sake and for hers, that she does understand that she is the one who's destroying her own life.
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