What trying to forget about it looks like

I threw on some clothes and a hat and went to Target. I went there to buy water, a toothbrush and soap. I didn't need anything. I wandered the entire store. Thirty-two dollars later, I cried in the parking lot. I drove home. I thought about what I would wear later and whether I would buy a new pair of jeans.

The real test of whether I care is how much effort I put into what I look like. You know - they say - you have to look nice everywhere you go to have any hope of finding anyone. I think Target is an exception. Any guy pushing a cart around Target has to be there with his significant other. But that's what people say - you shouldn't go to the grocery store in your pajamas. I always put way too much effort into what I look like when I go to weekend meetings. Weekdays I look okay because I look nice for work. But the test of whether I care or not, would be if I went to the meeting tonight wearing what I wore to Target. Then I would know that I didn't care. But instead I am contemplating a new outfit.

I like to be out and about in the early morning in Chicago - no cars on the road, no people. It's nice to feel like you are the only one out in a city of millions. I can see why people get up really early and go down the street for coffee. It is peaceful in the city early in the morning on a weekend. I like to walk over to State Street from my house. But today I think I'll just drive over there and park at my office. It is peaceful though, before the people come out.

I have to say, that I used to think a toothbrush was just a toothbrush - I've never been into the fancy ones. But today, I bought a kind of snazzy one (due to the limited supply available this morning) - and I have to admit, brushing my teeth with it was like a whole new experience. Seriously - kind of wild actually.

So I have this thing for trying anti-wrinkle products - to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles and to improve skins elasticity blah blah marketing blah. I am a total sucker for this because I am terrified of getting old. Why? Because I think that the older I get/look, the less likely I am to find someone. Do you notice a theme here? This should be the - I have no self-esteem and therefore date only assholes, can't seem to break myself of the pattern which makes me like myself less and by the way I am obsessed with worry over never finding a guy who wants me - blog. But that would just be depressing. Anyway - I am trying 3 right now. I know - I should try them one by one for say 4-6 weeks at time. I should be an official product tester. People laugh at me if I tell them that I try all these different products - they always say - but you don't have any fines lines or wrinkles. Aha - precisely - what if these products are working? I use these products on the same theory that many people believe in God. Just on the off chance that it turns out in the end that there happens to be a God, well, you will be better off if you believed in it. I can't stop using these products now - they might be effective. Stopping would be like the following, well sort of - I got an email from the hospital that I went through cancer treatment at - asking me if I wanted to participate in a study. It says - soy may help to prevent breast cancer/breast cancer recurrence. Are you willing to abstain from soy products for 6 months? Hell no. I'm going to eat it just in case.

I don't like to drive by the Greyhound station at night. Sometimes I forget and accidentally go that way on my way home from Target - when I spend a weekend night there wandering the isles.

Diet Coke with lime is good, but I can't drink the vanilla kind. I used to drink vanilla vodka with Diet Coke. Gag. There are certain things, flavors, that I will never be able to stomach again.

I have been getting some strange and interesting hits on my blog lately. I like to look at the statcounter and see what kinds of searches land people here. Thanks to my recent posts, apparently if you search "negative manipulative mother" you find me. And if you search things relating to dating in sobriety you find me too. God help you if you are newly sober and thinking about dating and you find this blog. God help you if you have been sober a while and are thinking about dating - especially if you are thinking about dating a guy in the program. In my experience, which has not been good - they are pretty much effed up. Now I suppose the same could be said about the women. I of course like to think that I am not all that effed up on the scale of effedupness.

Do you think honesty comes in degrees? Or is it all or nothing? Can I say I am 90% honest with my sponsor - or does that mean I am not honest at all? Is that like saying you are not 100% sober - in other words, it doesn't count? I may have to have a fessing up session with my sponsor here shortly. The sins of omission are eating away at my serenity. What serenity?

I think it may actually be the case that the more money you make, the less it seems like enough.

Have I been thinking about my mother or have I been able to forget about it? Only every other thought - in between every other weird thing that has gone through my head in the past half hour. I fluctuate between feeling okay about it and feeling bad about it. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days - and I may never again - I've thought about that possibility. And it's okay if I never hear from her again. But the fall makes me sad - that's for my next post...