If what I want is over there, then why am I sitting over here?

I always appreciate the reminder - which usually comes at an AA meeting, that nothing changes if nothing changes. AA after all, is premised on change - and if I don't change, my life doesn't change. Doesn't that just sum everything up? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have to actually do something different to get a different result. Duh. I am stagnating I think. I suppose it is normal to go through periods of growth and stagnation, but it is frustrating, to say the least, to sit here and contemplate changing, to want to change even, but to be unable to get myself to take action. Not only is it frustrating, it is baffling really.

It's like someone saying - I have this thing that you really want. You really really really want it really badly - it's everything you've always wanted. Everything you've ever imagined and more. I have it, and I'm going to give it to you - but I'm going to sit it down way over there, and you just have to go get it. You can see it, you want it, it seems like a bit of a hike, but you want it more than anything. There are a lot of obstacles between you and it, so the person even gives you directions. And while the path might not be that easy to walk, the destination is obvious, and you are positive that it will be worth it once you get over there, no matter how hard it is. You believe wholeheartedly that this person has given you the correct directions and you know that it is only a matter of time before you get over there and can have it. The directions are really pretty clear and easy to follow, and yeah, you have to do some things along the way that you don't want to do, but it's completely worth it in the end, because you get to have what you always wanted.

So what do you do? Sit over here and want it instead of going and getting it. I've posted about this before during periods of frustration. This is what working the AA program is like for me sometimes. Seeing what I want, knowing I can have it, yet I am unable to go get it. I believe completely that this program works and that into my life will flow great and amazing things, more amazing than anything I could ever imagine. IF I TAKE ACTION. If all I do is sit here, my life is going to stay the same. Granted it's changed a lot (and when I say it's changed I mean that my attitude and perspective have changed), but it stops changing when you stop taking action. I just feel like I'm sitting on this giant plateau. I always hear people say that if you aren't climbing up the mountain, you are sliding back down it- that you are moving forward or moving backwards. I really do feel like I'm on a giant plateau.

The mountain is not really in sight - I'm definitely not on it - I'm not moving in either direction. The thing is - I feel willing - at least, I feel open to the idea that anything is possible. I feel in a state of surrender - I feel like my will is aligned with my higher power's will, I feel deepening levels of acceptance...but I cannot seem to muster what it takes to keep moving forward. I don't get it. I actually think that I might be depressed at the moment - maybe a by product of trying anti-anxiety/anti-depressants - and not finding one that works. Although, I was not depressed when I decided to try them for anxiety. Anyway, that aside - frankly, I think if I could look for an alternative way to walk around the mountain - like if I could find a detour - I would take it.

That's not a good thing. "We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not." "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." "How it Works" page 58.