What is this thing called, "a more amazing life than anything I ever could have imagined for myself"

My last post and the comment that was made, has really gotten me thinking about this so called journey that I am on, or rather, over analyzing my increasing lack of motivation about life. If you know me, you know that I am pretty motivated on a day to day basis, and pretty motivated at work. I have realized that much of my motivation in life has been anxiety driven, and now that I'm not anxious (which is a mystery because I am not on anything - one could probably attribute this to AA in action), I feel almost no need to move forward in life. I am still trying to figure this whole anxiety/depression thing out - but I do know one thing - anxiety was the great motivator of my life - and maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

Anyway, as life would have it, I am on this AA journey towards "a more amazing life than anything I ever could have imagined for myself." What the heck is that supposed to be? I mean, if I believe in AA, and I do, then I don't exactly get to choose the contents of that amazing life. My higher power will put into my life the rights things at the right time. Of course this requires action on my part, I have to work the program, but the program has taught me that no matter how bad I may want that new job or more money, or any of the other things I want - they will come to me when they come to me. And if those things don't come to me - something even better will. Even if my life doesn't look the way I always thought it would - that's okay. For me, this is part of having faith and working the AA program.

Just as an aside - I am torn constantly about what this life is supposed to be about. On the one hand I will tell you that my life is not about me. That there is a purpose to me being here, still, that I survived breast cancer for a reason - and that the purpose is for me to help other people. I believe that - I believe that my life is not really about me and that I can help many people by showing them that you can survive something tragic or devastating and have a life and stay sober while getting through it. Those are powerful stories. That doesn't stop me from turning around and complaining about the revised compensation structure at work and how I am going to be really peeved if my bonus isn't big enough. It doesn't stop me from wanting what I want. I can't always figure out how to want what I want and live within a life that isn't supposed to be my own and isn't supposed to be about material things and instant gratification. So I'm lucky to be here, and grateful to be here, tremendously grateful to be alive, that's true and yes, I want to help people, and I want a raise in January. Does that make me evil?

So, I'm on this journey, and I have to admit, the fact that the destination is completely intangible, means you are going to lose me somewhere along the way. It can be hard to motivate yourself when the goal that you have is something you can't describe. Yes - the goal is something I want. I want it and I want it badly, but what is it? It is a more amazing life than anything I ever could have imagined. That is the goal. But what the hell is it and how much input do I get to have? What if I want to make partner at my firm - is that part of the plan, how am I supposed to know? The line between my will and my higher power's will is blurry and there is a part of me that feels guilty for still wanting what I want, even though I claim to have a great appreciation for life and a greater understanding of what it is supposed to be about.

I like predictability, defined outcomes and definite goals. I like a destination that I can see clearly. I like to be on the path, at the end of which I obtain something. I understand that life is about the journey and not the destination, but I like there to be a destination even though the destination is not the point. I have learned about this, the hard way, by missing the journey as I desperately tried to get to the other side of life. My life has been a series of defined goals, each of which I have achieved. I have always had something to work towards. First it was get out of my parent's house, go to college, do well, graduate, move out of Ann Arbor, go to law school, get into a good one, do well, graduate, get a job, get another job, move out of Ann Arbor again and get another job, save X amount of money, etc. I have always felt like there is something that I am trying to get. In this process, I realized that everything I got was disappointing when I got it - because it didn't cure my inherent unhappiness. Neither did every new boyfriend, a new car, new furniture, a new town - none of the external things I ever tried, ever made me happy. Always thinking - if I just get X, then everything will be okay. I used to think - if I just make X amount of money, then I'll relax and be happy. I can tell you that I make significantly more than X, and I still lack the thing I've always wanted the most.

This thing that I am chasing - it is simply happiness, a little peace and some serenity. Something that all the money in the world, a law degree, a new car, nice clothes, a good job, a guy - can't buy you. My friend who got me sober used to say - happiness is not a destination - and every time he said this, I would think, but I just know I'll be happy when I get there. I still want to look at my life as a series of goals and destinations even though the point is to find happiness right now, in the present moment, and in the little things. I want there to be an end point. I want there to be a finale - I want there to be a moment when I finally get every last little thing I've ever wanted or ever thought I needed and I finally say, okay, NOW, I am happy. That moment, it's never going to come is it?

I still suffer from the feeling that something, some external thing can fix it. I still feel that - but I know it isn't true. I don't live under that illusion anymore. And maybe that is why I can't motivate myself. Because I know it isn't going to work. The problem is not anything outside of me - the problem is me. I distinctly remember the moment that I realized that - I was on the phone with my friend who got me sober and he was reading something to me out of the Big Book - when I finally got it - I finally got that alcohol is a symptom of the problem, and the problem is me. This was both disappointing and relieving and the same time. I got in that moment that nothing I was trying to achieve was going to fix it - that was disappointing, but changing myself would fix it, and that was a relief.

Because I understand that, I know now that as I set goals and achieve them, the happiness I really desire will continue to lurk just out of my reach, if I can't grab onto it right here, right now. I do have some definite goals for myself, pay off a 40k student loan on October first, save a very large down payment by February, 28, 2009, bill 2100 hours by April 30, 2008, make partner eventually, meet a guy, have a family. I am not sure what other goals to set for myself, when the truth is, I have everything I need, and a lot of what I wanted, materially that is. Not surprisingly, the goals that I can really make progress towards are all financial and the other ones, meeting a guy and having a family - those, I am afraid, will continue to elude me. Why is so much tied up in my job? Because it is the one thing that I am really good at. It is the one area of my life in which I am really successful, while the rest feels like a disappointment. In the scheme of things, these things are not that important though, and they certainly aren't going to cure my unhappiness.

How am I supposed to work towards this thing that I want then - this intangible and undefined thing that is supposed to be a life that is more amazing than anything I ever could have imagined for myself? One thing I know about life, that I have learned through AA, is that it changes the most when you accept what you have at the moment. So how do I work towards this thing? By realizing that it isn't a goal - it isn't something to get, it isn't something to achieve, or a place that I will arrive at. It starts with gratitude I think - gratitude that I am alive, that I don't have cancer, that I don't have to drink and destroy my life and end up like my mother, that I don't have to live the way I used to or feel the way I used to, that the sun is shining today...the list goes on. It's starts with gratitude and realizing that the thing that I want is all around me, happiness, the serenity, the life more amazing than anything I ever could have imagined for myself - I am sitting in the middle of it.