I would rather have hair than date you

During the process of surviving breast cancer - I did a lot of negotiating with my higher power - I've posted about this before - about what this process is like. People talk about this as being one of the stages of the grieving process - denial, anger, negotiation and acceptance. I think this is true for me - I very much go through this process to achieve the ultimate surrender which is acceptance. When I had cancer it started out very superficial - I'll do anything, I'll be a better person...if you just let my hair grow back. No - actually, I'll give up my hair - it's okay if it doesn't grow back - if you just give me my fertility. Eventually, in the most powerful moment of surrender that I have ever had - I decided I would choose my own life. I would rather live, even if it meant I would never have my own children. I posted about this last December in a post called "When it Suddenly Becomes Enough to Just be Alive."

I had been waiting for months to know whether my fertility would return - or whether at 29 I would be permanently in menopause. I was making the bed, and I got down on my knees and started crying and praying - and I told my higher power that it was okay, it was okay if I was infertile and that I would accept whatever I was given - that I wanted to live no matter what - that was all I wanted - to get to live, to get to watch my nephew grow up - I only asked that if I wasn't to have children, that God please show me what my life was supposed to be about and that God grant me the strength to fulfil that purpose. I went on about my way - and I kid you not - two hours later, my period just started out of now where and it's been normal ever since - now granted that doesn't necessarily mean that I am fertile - but I probably am. Anyway, this is just an example of how my higher power shows up in my life.

Okay - so I am getting side tracked with this story...back to my hair. So I frequently find myself continuing to engage in this negotiation process. In other words - what do I have to do to get a guy in my life? I'll...I don't know...go to more meetings? I'll do more service work? I'll spend less money? I'll work a better program? Eventually, I always end up in the same place - which is to say - okay higher power, I'll just accept whatever you give me and I'll be grateful for it. So the guy that I am not supposed to like because he is an ass - I posted about it a few weeks ago when he showed up after not coming to this one meeting since Memorial Day - it seems that he is back on the scene. My higher power was definitely testing me - because that morning a few weeks ago I told my higher power that I was okay with not having a guy in my life. A couple of hours later he was in my face. Yesterday at the big meeting I went to - I ran into him (correction, I went out of my way to run into him).

I left there thinking - you know - I really think I wouldn't date him, even if his sponsor suddenly decides he can date me. I wouldn't date him - I wouldn't want to. This is a big deal because worrying whether I will ever find a guy to be with occupies much of my brain space. I think I have a lot of strikes against me - the fact that I'm an alcoholic (but at least I'm sober!!), the fact that I've had breast cancer - guys aren't going to want to date me because of this - or, that is what my fucked up self esteem tells me. Although - I have to say - this guy gives me a little hope because he was interested, even though his sponsor wouldn't let him - and he knows that I am sober and had breast cancer - so maybe someone will like me. Someone? This morning, I had the thought - you know what higher power - I would rather have hair than date him. I would really seriously rather have my hair than date him. I wouldn't give my hair up for it. I know how ridiculous this sounds - it's just the way my head works.

Guess who came to the meeting tonight? Yup - sits down right next to me and proceeds to talk to me...talks to me after, drives me to my car, talks some more - tells me he will be coming back to this meeting regularly. (No, you don't need to point out that I was participating). I mean, God - do you have to tempt me like this? If you stick this guy in front of me...anything might happen. I can't even keep myself from engaging in conversation with him. I could have said gotta go and bailed - but no - thirty minutes later we are talking - just like back in May before the whole mess with his sponsor. I actually almost asked him whether this conversation we were having was a sponsor approved activity...cause if it isn't, I really don't want to go there.

But it figures doesn't it? Here I am proclaiming to my higher power this morning how I'm okay with never dating anyone again and I'm okay if no guy wants me and I'm okay with never having a relationship...I'm just happy to be alive - and to have hair. Now I feel like this is a test. Now I can't give in (cause what if my hair falls out if I go on a date with him....wait...what? That is my obsessive compulsive disorder kicking in - there is no rational reason why my hair has anything to do with this...but I may have to not eat chocolate for a week...huh? I'm slightly crazy - don't mind me).

So - here is the question - let's say his sponsor tells him he can date and he asks me out - do I go? Of course, this is presuming he is still interested. More on that later...

I don't know why this is so difficult - I just have a weakness for this guy - I had seriously hoped that weakness would be alleviated over all of these months of not seeing him. I mean, for God's sake - he can't date without his sponsor's permission and he's been sober for 2 years now. I sure hope his sponsor is cool - cause whoever dates this guy - is going to end up vicariously dating his sponsor as well. Can you even imagine? What do I do? I keep praying for God to relieve me of this. I hate these little tests - because remember - I know better than to go down this road - but I'm going to make the wrong choice. Damn, I hope this program really works on things besides drinking cause I really need my higher power to do this for me. Otherwise, I'm going to go out with him. I might even pursue him. Shit.