I promised a post about a leave - so here, you get one that is related. But there will be more to come as I sort through all the um, "issues" I apparently have around this. Let's preface this post by saying, I should be working. I should have skipped the meeting and worked, but I didn't. I went to the meeting, came home, talked on the phone and read blogs. I have to say something. I have been complaining way too much about my job. Way too much. Aren't you tired of hearing about it yet? What happened to the gratitude and sunshine and smiley happy things that were supposed to be coming to a blog near you? In the same sentence I will tell you that I have a great job, that I like the work, that I work with the nicest people, breathe, and then bitch up a storm about how much I am working. Yes, I am working more than I would like to be right now. But it goes with the territory and it isn't consistently this busy. And part of the reason that I can't get a break is because I don't take a break. Did you catch that? I, me, I don't take a break. I didn't say they will not let me have a day off. And you might say, isn't this the job you wanted - didn't you want this job? Yes. I did. This is the job I've always wanted. I'm living a dream here people. Do I want another job? No. I don't.
This is about me enforcing a better boundary, among other things. I can take vacation days - but the catch is - I have to not feel bad when I do and oh, right, I have to not work, duh. Here are the issues:
1) I feel guilty about how much I get paid and how little I work for it. Now - that might seem to go against everything I've been complaining about, but relatively speaking, I do not work very hard for what I get paid. I mean seriously - I probably average 45-50 hours per week. That isn't that much.
2) I'm not willing to take another job - one where I work maybe 5-10 hours less per week for half the money - that's right - I did say a 50% pay cut, just so that I don't have the stress of billing hours and I can work 40 hours a week and have the whole 40 "count." Believe me, the stress is worth the money.
3) I still feel like I owe them something - like I have to make up for the fact that I had breast cancer. Like working full-time through the whole 7 month experience wasn't enough - I still have to prove to them that it was worth it to hire me. I feel bad that they paid a fee to my headhunter to get me and then I got breast cancer. By the way, just to put this in perspective, they have made several hundreds of thousands of dollars off of my time in two years - we are talking hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars. I might rather not even know actually just how many hundreds of thousands it is, except that I do have a rough idea from reading my timekeeper report. I am sure the fee my headhunter got was like a drop in the bucket. They have more than recouped that.
4) The more and more they pay me, the harder I feel like I have to work. Why don't I just feel like - oh right, I have another year of experience - of course I deserve to get paid more, I earned it - that's what moving up is about, you get paid more. No, not me, I just feel like oh - I have to work more. I don't deserve or earn it, I have to work harder for it.
5) There is this part of me that feels like I don't deserve what I get - just in general, in life. I must have to do something to make myself worthy of good things in my life. Something unattainable I guess. Now the guy down the hall - the one who comes in at 10:30 every day and billed 500 hours less than me - that's right, that's a lot (and yes I am harboring a lot of resentments about work at the moment) - he may not deserve what he is getting. But I do. I get there at 8, I stay as late as is necessary, I work on weekends, I work on holidays I work on vacation and on nearly every day I've ever taken off. I damn well do deserve what I'm getting (as I try to convince myself by saying it over and over again). I earned it people. I paid for my own education and I've worked hard to get here.
So why don't I feel like I deserve a leave of absence from the job that I've done nothing but bust my ass for regardless of the circumstances? I don't know.
I can tell you this though - I definitely do not want a different job - but I am on the verge of forming a new relationship with the one I have. I've already said I am going to not worry about my hours next year. And I'm not. (Because what is going to happen to me if I don't hit the target? Nothing). I am also going to stop working on days off, firm holidays and vacations. No more. Yes, I still want the leave - but in addition to that - things are going to change around here. Cause I don't want to carry resentments around like this. I don't want to be pissed off about it all the time and stressed about it all the time. I know better than anyone that life is too short for any of this. This isn't what I want. I want to continue to like my job and love the work - not start hating it because I feel like I can't get a break. Things are about to change folks. They are about to change.
3 comments:
#5. WOW. I'd never seen put into words how I feel most every day of my life. I feel like I spend 99% of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Wow. You're an amazing person. I've never met someone so introspective.
I'm glad to know you LAS.
Believe me, you have nothing to feel guilt about, they wouldn't give you a raise if they weren't raising your billing rate to all the clients! If you want a less stressful job then go for it, as a survivor you know how precious time is and stress=not worth it. I say: Hold your head high, go in, announce your plans, thank the people in power and walk out. Taking care of your own needs is crucial for your continued health and recovery. You will respected for taking care of you.
Good Luck!
Would I be going way out on a limb here to guess that this proving yourself attitude is probably connected with how you grew up?
But I like the new attitude, and I hope very much that you stick with it, and that you ask for your leave too, guilt-free.
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