A bullet pointed update

I’m so behind on posting, that there probably isn’t any point in trying to catch up on what I’m grateful for, but to catch up on other things – here is a bullet pointed update:

• I guess I am not going to rant about the situation with my old sponsor. I mean, on the one hand, she did help me. There was a time when she really did help me and for that, of course, I am grateful. What I will say is this – in my opinion, her handling of the situation between us was very poor and inappropriate. I’d like to say more, but for now, I think I will keep quiet. I don’t want to say bad things about her – but I think she should apologize. Actually, you want to know why I'm not ranting about it and telling the whole story - I feel like it's bad karma or something.

• Things finally slowed down last week at work. Monday was crazy and the next few days I had a definite lull. I even left early on Thursday, which would have been a perfect night to post, but instead I sat on my couch for 4 hours and watched tv. I think this week things are going to be very busy again – probably for the next few.

• As for my hours – I will hit them, but not by much. I have 18 days to bill another 138.3 hours. That’s no problem – that’s only a bit over 7.5 per day. One thing I will say is – it does piss me off that I have worked so hard this year – or at least it feels like it – and I am still only going to barely hit my hours. So if you ask me, people at firms who claim to bill 2500 hours per year – they are lying, just so you know. I’m just saying – there are unethical lawyers out there. I just worked my ass off to hit 2000 hours – what would I have had to do to hit 2500 – I can’t imagine - make a few up I suppose?

• I have made the decision to worry less next year about my hours. Why – well, ask me if it was worth it to spend the entire year stressing and trying to hit 2000. Actually, ask me at the end of October. That’s right – all this stress that I’ve felt over hours for the entire past 12 months – it doesn’t even pay off until October. And when you ask me at the end of October when the bonus money comes – while I am already 6 months into the stress about the current year – the answer will probably be no, it wasn’t worth it. Which is why next year – I am not going to try so hard. If I fail to hit 2000 hours in the 08-09 year – and my firm wants to deny me my raise come January of 2010 (that’s right – the hours that I am about to start billing impact my Oct. 2009 bonus and my January 2010 raise) – so be it. Good for them. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

• Could it be that I have made headway towards not feeling guilty regarding work because I had breast cancer? Like maybe I don't owe them anything anymore. Well, not sure. If the planning of my leave were any indication, I would have to say no. I haven’t asked yet – but I found out that I can’t take it when I wanted to. Why – because the person who will bear the brunt of my absence is going on vacation for the middle 2 weeks of the 6 that I wanted off and we can’t both be gone at the same time. So what do I do? I have to wait until probably the 3rd week in July to take it. Which means only that I don’t need to bring it up yet to the partner – i.e., I have more time to talk myself out of it. Here’s the thing – I feel desperate. I’m desperate for the leave. But I am just plain too scared to ask for it. I already know, I’m not going to ask for it – I’m too scared. I’m trying to think of a compromise, but I can’t think of one. Because if I take a vacation, I will work – I always do. Why – see previous two paragraphs re hours. I need it to be a leave because then they prorate my hours and I’m not responsible for them. If I just take say, three weeks off – I have to make the time up. Help. What do I do? Because at this point I feel like I’m just going to wait until I am so miserable that I feel like I can’t take it anymore and then they will have to give me a medical leave. But I don’t want to have to do that – I don’t want to have to go down that road.

The bullet points were pointless.

• Okay – so one more thing and then I’ll stop for now but I’ll try to catch up with posting. Today I am grateful that I ran into this one particular friend of mine at the meeting tonight. He said something that I think will stay with me for a long time. We were talking about my wanting to take a leave, me being too afraid to ask for it, etc. And he said – ask yourself what you would do if you could take fear out of the equation. Interesting way to look at it – I appreciated that way of thinking about things. I forget how much fear clouds my thinking.

• One more - I exfoliated my arms with table sugar in the bath tub. I'm not sure it was a good idea. No, I did not make this up - and there was a purpose. I'll have to report back. Supposedly table sugar - white sugar - is a good exfoliator for your face also. But I'm already peeling the shit out of it with some other stuff - so I probably don't need to start scrubbing it with sugar.
  

Okay, I am back on the posting wagon. Look for more gratitude to come. One more - I'm grateful the weather was beautiful here this weekend, and that I got to hang out with a good friend on Friday night at the meeting.