Throwing caution to the wind

We are living on the edge over here people, seriously. I am going to go out of town tomorrow without unplugging the lamps. WHAT? That's right, I am going to leave town without unplugging all the lamps. Holy crap, what's gotten into me? Now, the swiffer sweep 'n vac, that I'm unplugging. If my condo goes up in flames this weekend, due to a cord fire, well, to all of you who think I am weird, I will say, I told you so.

I know this is funny, in a way - I mean, if you aren't thinking about the reality of it. But this isn't really about the cord to the lamp in the dining room burning the house down. I'm having really bad OCD problems right now. I talk about this so infrequently that I feel like I have to re-explain it every time. Yes it is real OCD. No, it isn't the normal way you might re-check the iron. Why don't you just go read all about it here. And then you can think I am extra weird. Anyway, it's sort of embarrassing, like saying I'm an alcoholic is embarrassing, but whatever.

It isn't constantly a problem (though on some level it is always there) - it just kind of lingers beneath the surface and every time my anxiety level goes up, it kicks in to a greater or lesser degree, depending on my mental ability to deal with the anxiety. I have to admit, I am pretty good at dealing with it - I can, more or less, talk myself out of OCD. I've basically just trained myself to do this by not giving into it.

It frequently rears it's head when I go out of town - very anxiety producing for me - and results in everything being unplugged. Other times, it is related to food. For example, right before the MRI biopsy I had at the end of January, I had to go eat my favorite chocolate in the world because this would "make everything be okay." Other times I have to not eat chocolate to make it okay. Or perhaps not wear something specific or wear something specific. You get the picture.

This has been an issue since I was 7, so I've just gotten good at dealing with it I guess. One of two things happens when this kicks in - I either give into it to alleviate the anxiety (unplug the lamps) or I don't give into it and suffer through it (to prove that the anxiety and the thought behavior connection is irrational). Whether I give in or not just depends on the situation, the level of anxiety, my overall mental capacity to handle it, what else is going on at the same time.

I don't have it bad enough to ever try taking something specifically for OCD (because it is hard to treat) - though I have tried anti- anxiety drugs before briefly for generalized anxiety. My doctor says having OCD doesn't impair my ability to live relatively speaking, because, you know, I don't need to face all the cans in the pantry east and open and close the window so many times before I walk out the door that I am late for work (these are just examples, not things that I do). I suppose she is right, that it doesn't impair my ability to live - I mean, in so far as having t0 unplug everything, not eating certain food, eating certain food, not having certain things touching, having certain things in certain places, doing things in certain orders, having to go to a certain meeting, having to wear a certain shirt - are examples of unimpaired living. How exactly is facing the cans east worse than not being able to wear the purple underwear on a particular Tuesday?

Fortunately, this really isn't a constant issue - just sometimes. Like right now. When my anxiety level is through the roof and I have decided not to give into it this time...ask me tomorrow whether the lamps are plugged in. Right at this moment, I would be willing to bet that they won't be.

More tomorrow on my trip home to Michigan...there will be coloring, playdough, parks, cookies, shopping, meetings, more coloring, more playdough, some new toys and clothes for my nephew probably, hopefully more coloring, hopefully more cookies, lots and lots and lots of playing, and yes, pictures of me and E upon my return!