Between a blue/green wave and a penetrating white light

So I might have formed a bad habit of meditating before bed. How can this be a bad thing you wonder? Well, I am not entirely sure I can fall asleep without it. I started doing guided meditations last fall - partly as a means of practicing step 11 (sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him...) and partly as a way to turn down the crazy in my head. I used to meditate some - this was a return to meditating but more of an exploration into the practice.

I can't really just sit there and meditate for extended lengths of time - my mind wanders over all the things I have to do and work etc., but if I do a guided meditation, that gives me something to pay attention to. You know, like seeing the word serenity form out of the ripples in the stream that is flowing next to me on the side of a giant mountain while I lay in the sunshine and contemplate acceptance. (See, right there, I forgot about work just typing that). That kind of thing. One of my favorites was a guided meditation where you, your current self, goes to meet your future self. My future self lived in a giant white stone house on a hill over looking the ocean in La Jolla, California. I had short hair and a dog, no boyfriend, no family. I was surprised by the hair. And further surprised to find that I was happy. Not at all surprised that I was in San Diego. The house was really really cool. Okay, you probably think I'm weird now. But at least in some other world, at some other time, I am happy.

Anyway, I have a bunch of these meditations - some are short, 5 minutes, 10, 15. Some are long, a half hour, an hour. The one where you work on opening your chakras by spinning the golden discs counter clockwise etc., is long, and interesting. I frequently do that one on a plane. So, my favorite meditation is 27 minutes long. I listen to it basically every night. I look forward to it. I like to go to bed earlier and earlier, just because I get to do this meditation. I wonder if it's like escaping. But the thing is, every night, at some point between when the blue/green wave washes over you and the moment when you first feel the penetrating white light - I fall asleep. Okay, well, at least once I stayed awake because I know about the penetrating white light. But - sometime between minutes 12 and 27, I fall asleep. I couldn't really tell you what happens after the blue/green wave, except that there is a light.

I either wake up several hours later with the headphones still in my ears, or I wake up just as she says the last sentence of the meditation. It's kind of weird - I usually wake up just as it's ending. "I will be well from the sheer joy of living. More and more, I know that I am held in the hands of God and that I am perfectly, utterly safe. And so you are." That's how it ends. Whatever happens after the blue/green wave - I hope it is penetrating my subconscious.

I promise - the next post will be about the leave.