I remember when I first got sober, a friend said to me - you seem to be struggling with what is and isn't the truth about you. The question of course was whether I was or wasn't an alcoholic which ultimately does not initially depend on whether I believe it to be true. I either am or I am not and no amount of thinking I am not can make it so if I am. My sobriety obviously depends on me believing it, but that doesn't change the fact of it. I am either in acceptance or in denial. You still have the problem regardless, it's just that if it is true and you accept it, you get to do something about it - you get to be in the solution as we say. But you still have the problem regardless of denying it. Denying something doesn't make it go away. Really? Hmm.
I'm thinking of this only because I am having a similar internal struggle but it is a different question. I ultimately obviously did finally concede to the fact that I do in fact belong in AA. I eventually achieved that acceptance over what turned out to very definitely be the truth about me. But it wasn't easy necessarily to get there. It took a while.
And I remember my friend saying to me that it is like a weight lifting off of you when you finally concede it and surrender yourself to the truth - you feel like - what a relief to know what is wrong with me and that there is something I can do about it. At least you know there is a solution and you don't have to live the way you were living anymore.
This thing that I am having an internal conflict over - it is a question of what is the truth and a matter of accepting it. And it is or it isn't the truth. I either am or I'm not. It is or it isn't a problem, regardless of my denying it.
4 comments:
I read a lot of blogs and I find that there aren't very many posts that I wholeheartedly agree with. But this is one of them.
Time will tell, honey. Hang in there.
things do seem to all hit the fan at the same time. I hope you figure it out and decide what to do. I always feel much better regardless of how hard it will be, just to make the decision.
reality is very contradictory, and has many unresolved edges. but thats ok
it is ok to have contradictory or unresolved sides to ones self. very normal as it happens.
keep coming back!
Post a Comment