Thirteen minutes

I am giving myself 13 minutes to write a post this morning - why - I don't know. I don't feel like working, but I should, but I don't feel like it. And I don't really have anything to say, but I am afraid if I really get going on a post, well, we could be here for a while, so, instead, I am giving myself 13 minutes, now 11, to write about nothing.

My life has returned to the status quo. Hard to believe right, after that near miss we had last week? My life has returned to the boring state that it usually is - so boring in fact that I can hardly keep myself awake most of the time. I sit here in my office trying to shock myself awake by making it really cold, or by drinking caffeine. Last night I left early (5:50 - which is really early lately), and felt like I could have fallen asleep on the drive (short drive) home. Then of course I exercised and had a hard time falling asleep. 9 minutes.

I've been exercising lately - in a desperate attempt to elevate my mood. I've exercised 7 out of the past 11 days. That's pretty good I think. It's hard to say if it's working, or if my current state of status quo is due to the rather cyclical nature of my mood. I just don't know. I do think though that I might not be getting enough light - not that it is making me depressed, just tired. I think that's why I can't stay awake - lack of light. Is that possible? 7 minutes.

Everything really is fine at the moment. Work is good - slightly on the slowish side - and um, well, that's all I do really is work, so there isn't much to say since I don't really talk about it here. Last week it was all chaos and drama - a serious lack of serenity and sanity - and now here we are - la la la la as serene as can be. 5 minutes. Is this serenity or boredom? And anyway, how long will it last? I guess we can all find out - and then the next time I have a near break down like last week - we can look back and see how long it's been. Besides, maybe I am just fooling myself anyway. Is it weird that any time I think I am okay, or even happy, I think I must be lying to myself or tricking myself some how - because it just couldn't be true? 3 minutes.

I was thinking about the comment on my last post - and it really has prompted me to think about this event of telling my father why I don't drink. I realized from that comment that the only thing I thought about was how I didn't want him to react. I never thought about how I wanted him to react. Interesting. I'm glad I have an awareness of that now before I go into it. I honestly don't know what I really want from him. I'm not really expecting a high five - a woohoo, good job for getting off the path of destruction your mother was on. Although - it is true that not drinking is probably my greatest accomplishment. I know how stupid that sounds to the "normal" people reading this - but truly - not drinking is the only thing that has ever been difficult for me to do - more on that later as I approach my anniversary. Oh, and there will be more on the parking dilemma.

For now, I am out of time.