The doorman is my valentine

I suppose it is more accurate to say that I'm the doorman's valentine, but it sounded better the other way - well, me and every other person that walked through the lobby today. I was walking through the grocery store after work (I went there to buy applesauce, bananas and salsa, specifically) and all these people were buying flowers and I thought about how lame I think Valentine's Day is anyway. I mean, it isn't just because I don't have anyone to share it with. I just think that if I did, well, I would rather get flowers on a random day then on this particular day, and just because, not because it was "required." Anyway, the doorman gave me chocolate (like I said, me and everyone else, but still). I like this doorman, he is my favorite of our doormen.

On another note, I left early again today. I wanted to work more, I was feeling slightly better than yesterday, but, I didn't have enough to do. The partner was sick and not there, and well, if I don't have something to do, or if I can't do what I do have efficiently without talking to the partner first, then I might was well leave because it is all lost time anyway that has to be made up later. So, I can waste it sitting there being seen in my office, or I can waste it at the grocery store buying applesauce and then coming home and shopping online for two hours but not buying anything. So, that is what I did. But first I sent a note to the partner telling him that I need more work. He keeps telling me we are going to be drowning soon and that's great, but my plan of catching up on my hours in February isn't working. In fact, I'm falling farther behind. The trouble is, I'm either a little too slow or way too busy.

And I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over this and be anxious about it - actually I don't feel that anxious - but the thing is, I really do feel like I need to hit my hours this year, and I only have until April 30th to do it. Which means I am going to need two 200 hour months in a row to do it, which is definitely possible, but I need to be consistently busy. And then there is another part of me that thinks so what if I come up 30 hours short. Nothing is going to happen to me. It's just that I will lose bonus money and technically they could deny me my raise. And while the bonus money isn't that important, I do actually want my raise. I'd be pretty pissed if I didn't get it. And probably I would still get it - but do I want to risk not getting a raise? I don't really want to risk that. But again, not the most important thing in the scheme of things. So, I'm done obsessing over it. Because there is only so much I can do about it. I can beg the partner for work but that is about all I can do. I hate the waiting to get busy. Didn't I just complain earlier this week that I was working too late. Yes, I did. What the hell is my problem? I can't win.

I have much more to blog about...much catching up to do...more later...