I was just about to say...

I was about to say that I feel myself about to crash. You know, into depression. I feel myself teetering on the edge of a steep downhill, at the bottom of which there can only be a crash. Because it's been a while since I've been down there (I've been feeling pretty good for a while, up until last week's events that is) and you know what that means. Eventually there has to be a crash, there always is. And now seems like the perfect time, right after all of the stress I just went through, to just hit the bottom.

The thing is, I'm begrudingly admitting this. I haven't gone to a meeting since last Wednesday. What does that have to do with it? Well, everything. I also haven't exercised in over a week, I've been eating like crap or not eating much at all because of my stomach issues the past few days, and now I am also out of town where I won't exercise and probably won't sleep as well as I normally do. I would rather blame it (this downhill slide) on the lack of exercise coupled with stress, but, damn it, I really think it's because I haven' t been to a meeting. And a funny thing happens when I don't go. I lose all perspective, I start to think that my life really sucks, I start to think that I'm a worthless piece of crap, then I hate myself and everything is pointless and I might as well just give up. It takes oh, about a week without going to a single meeting to go from everything is great to everything is pointless and I might as well not bother. So, that gives me two days to go to one. I hate to admit that going to an AA meeting can prevent that from happening, but it does. And when I'm at home, I go to anywhere from 3-5 a week.

When I go out of town, everything goes out the window. I don't pray, meditate, do the daily readings, call my sponsor, or go to meetings. I basically just don't do any of it. It isn't that it doesn't seem like a good idea, or like it only applies to me when I'm at home, that's just what happens. I think about going to a meeting, but it's annoying to get there. It ends up taking a couple of hours because I don't know where I'm going and will probably get lost. And the fact is, I know that I'm not going to do anything. I know I can be out of town for any length of time without drinking, so I just hold out until I get home. And in the meantime, if all perspective is lost and everything seems hopeless, well, that can be remedied with a meeting or two when I get back. I used to go to meetings when I would go out of town, when I was first in the program, but that was because I couldn't not go or I would have ended up drinking.

Frankly, now, drinking isn't even interesting to me anymore. I used to think about it all the time. I've realized, at some point in the past two years, I've just stopped thinking about it. It's just not the thing that I would think of if I wanted to escape and it's not the thing that I would think of if I wanted to unwind or relax or have fun even. I don't know when that happened exactly, that it became uninteresting. But I just don't care anymore. It used to be that I went to meetings because I wanted to go drink less if I went, but now, that isn't even why I go anymore. I mean, not to get too far out of touch with the reality of it - I know what would happen if I stopped going completely. It just seems like the whole thing is less of an issue these days than it ever was. I was the only one it bothered anyway I think. No one else really cares whether I drink or don't or why or whatever. I still have a fair amount of shame associated with this whole part of my life though. I can tell when I talk about it. It's almost like I wish I could find some way to talk about it in disguise or something - to talk about it without actually talking about it.

So anyway, I'm still in Boston and still having stomach issues. Could it really be that I messed my stomach up this badly by being stressed out? I guess it is possible, but I never would have thought so.

Today I walked around all day with a blanket around my shoulders like a cape and a hot water bottle stuffed under my sweater. What am I going to do tomorrow when I actually have to go outside and get on a bus? Seriously. Me, go outside and travel farther than one block? I've been spoiled by my lifestyle in Chicago. I admit it, it's cushy and I like it. When did I become this person that doesn't go outside and drives everywhere? I am going to try to go to a meeting while I'm out there in the world tomorrow. Yeah right.

I need to go prepare the tea kettle for my middle of the night hot water bottel re-fill. I am still trying to figure out how to just attach it to myself. It's hard to do things like load the dishwasher or put laundry away if one hand is holding a water bottle or cozy bag to your body.

Good night.