How fewer miles can make you feel farther apart

The physical distance between you isn't the thing that defines how close you are to someone. I know this because my best friend Heather and I don't live in the same state. When we did, we didn't live in the same city. She moved away when we were 7 - and she's been my best friend, well, ever since then or since I can remember really. I don't remember not knowing her - we met when we were 3. And 27 years later we are as close as we ever were. She is the one thing that I know will always be a constant in my life - no matter where we live or in what direction our lives take us, she will be there. I wrote this post called To My Best Friend Heather back when I started this blog. Everyone should be so lucky to have a friendship like this one in his or her life.

I was thinking about my brother, who has moved back to the U.S. from Germany - and how much closer I felt to them when they were so much farther away. Maybe it was the time difference and the fact that my long day was his afternoon and evening so it was easy to connect - coupled with the fact that we were all logged into Gmail chat all day and could talk nearly every day the entire time they were over there. Lately, I feel like there are thousands and thousands of miles between us. I've talked to my brother on the phone once since Christmas and only a couple of times and very briefly on instant message. There are other people I feel less connected to these days also. Maybe it's just the natural progression of things.

I would have hoped to feel the comfort of having them closer - even though they are in Boston and I'm in Chicago - because in many ways they are all I have. But I don't feel that - I just feel kind of disconnected and lost and alone over here. I don't feel bad - things are good actually - I just feel a little alone without them. I hope it's just temporary, that's all. They moved right before the holidays, were living in two places, trying to find a place, start new jobs, get settled, etc. Extremely stressful I'm sure. Of course it is selfish of me to want to see them and talk to them - so I'm selfish then. Is it really so terrible that I want to feel connected to them?

It just scares me I guess. Our lives change and we go in so many different directions and have so many different things going on that I worry it will become harder and harder to meet in the middle. I don't want them to be people that I only see or hear from at the holidays - an obligatory phone call or that kind of thing. Or I worry that they aren't that interested in being close to me - that's all in my head though, I know. I have this "alcoholic" way of thinking about the world - which I'm sure some of you know what I mean and others of you have no idea what I'm talking about - but let's just say my perception is off - it is a disease of misperception.

I guess I just feel sad about it for some reason today. As uncomfortable as it makes me to say it, I miss them.