Rapidly turning over

Things are happening to0 fast for me to post about them. I keep writing posts and then before I have a chance to finish one, something happens or something changes and the post has to be re-written. I'm just having a hard time finishing anything - post related.

On a separate note - the gym in my condo is full this morning. Yes, at 5:45 - could it be because it's a new year and everyone wants to exercise, but we know in a few weeks it will be back to empty? Well, for my sake, I hope so. The gym in my condo is not that big and it's annoying to be up at 5:45 and not be able to get on any equipment. Fortunately though, I just woke up naturally at 5:30 - no alarm, so, well, at least I didn't force myself out of bed this early. It's just that I can't go to work this early - I mean I could - but I suspect I might be there late today, and well, if I get to work at like 7:15 - 7 p.m. seems a long way away. Sometimes coming in early means leaving early, but the partner I work with has been unexpectedly out for about two weeks and he's a come in later and stay later kind of guy - so, sometimes, not always, I stay late.

You know that dread that people talk about having on Sundays about going back to work? I have that - a lot lately. I have it every day, not just Sunday. I'm really not sure what the problem is. This is a new feeling for me (I mean, new since the end of November). It's not something I ever felt before about this job. I always really liked it and looked forward to going to work because my job is enjoyable and the people are great. But even now, even when I know the day will be fine, the work will be interesting, I don't want to go. Work is going really well too - though I actually feel like I've been pretty unmotivated and slacking off since November - it's really going well.

I need to make some decisions about the rest of the year (billable, not calendar year) and I need to maybe think a little bit about the longer term - there are some things I should be doing. Maybe that just scares me - to feel like I'm locking into something. But in some ways I am. I have no intention of leaving - which means I'm on one course and that's to make partner, because well, at some point you either need to leave or make partner. I have mixed feelings about it - I guess because all of the other areas of my life that aren't work related are sort of up in the air. I don't know - but I did talk to the partner about work recently and he said for sure I will make partner - no question - so, that's good I suppose. And on a good note, our raises kicked in January 1.

I've noticed something about me and I've decided to just change it, or feel differently I guess. In some ways I feel bad about my job - to be truthful - bad about the financial aspect of it. I think it stems from feelings of unworthiness and not deserving good things. Every time we get a raise (which has been often since I got there because they keep jacking up associate salaries) I am plagued with fear and feelings of oh no - now I have to work even more - and no, I don't. They aren't asking us to work more, they are just paying us more - they haven't changed anything with respect to our hours. And there is this part of me that feels like I don't deserve it (and I am sure most people don't feel this way), when in fact, I've worked hard for everything I have. I paid for my own education. I've been financially independent since I left my parents house (except for like 3,000 thousand dollars that my dad gave me during undergrad). I've earned it. So why do I continue to feel bad about it? I can't even hardly enjoy it because I feel so conflicted about it. So, I've just decided not to feel bad about it anymore.

Anyway, I'll try to finish one of those other posts later tonight I suppose.

And for those of you wondering - I'm still in a pretty good mood.