The part about food

So, remember how I called myself out about something the other day - about body image, self esteem etc.? This is the part about food.

Where to draw the line between normal and abnormal depends on what you are talking about I suppose. Are you talking about drinking, eating, gambling, shopping? Sometimes it's a fine line between what is normal or not so normal. The only reason this (my self-esteem, and my habits around food) is on my mind right now is because, well, I'm engaging in some typical (meaning I've done this before) behavior relating to OCD, anxiety, my body-image, my self-esteem and food. I'm linking to this old post I wrote last April called Let's get honest about body image, self-esteem and the food I eat, because it describes pretty well the abnormality surrounding my relationship with food.

I could say more about this - but this old post says enough. My relationship with food is just like my relationship with alcohol. It is obsessive, compulsive and controlling. I think about it constantly. Sometimes it seems like my life revolves around when I can eat and what I get to eat next and while what I eat appears normal and healthy, and I always eat, sometimes there is just something not normal about it. Sometimes the control stems from believing that I have to be thinner to attract a guy, sometimes it's because I think I can prevent the world from crumbling around me by eating or not eating something (that's the obsessive compulsive disorder part). Regardless, I don't ever just eat - it's never as simple as just eating something because I want it. Food isn't just food - dinner isn't just dinner.

Like I said - I eat a normal amount of food. But what is a normal amount of thinking about food? A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to lose 10 pounds, so I cut calories and over 5 months, lost 10 pounds. I think it was a pretty healthy way to do it. Now - mind you, I didn't need to lose 10 pounds. So because you need a caloric deficit of 3500 calories to lose 1 pound, I figured out what caloric intake was required to maintain my body weight and then just chopped out 250 a day. This is pretty easy - calories in, calories out. It's easy to eliminate 250 - skip OJ in the morning and cut out a bread product like bread with your salad. Or for dinner - replace 1/3 - 1/2 of that giant pile of pasta on your plate for example, with a cup of a vegetable (and don't butter the vegetable). Well, I've never had to diet per se, and I'm not saying it's easy - I'm just saying in theory it seems easy (in practice it's not necessarily).

Do you know how many calories are in 1 cup of cucumber? A cup of broccoli? A grapefruit? A banana? An apple? Your OJ (without looking)? That coffee you get every morning? One serving of chicken? Do you know what one serving is? A serving of raw spinach? The bread your sandwich is on? Your cereal? The Parmesan cheese? The honey mustard? A serving of almonds? I do. I know what's in everything because I learned it all when I was cutting calories out. Here's the problem - for someone with anxiety and OCD - who sometimes uses controlling food as a way to control anxiety, and oh by the way doesn't have the best self-esteem and has pretty bad body image - sometimes I just have this running tally of calories in my head making me feel bad about myself - and it's very crazy making behavior - all of it.

The other day I tried on every pair of pants in my closet - just like I said in that old post.

I could say more about the OCD part of this - but I guess I won't right now - even though this is by far the most annoying and irrational part of all of it.

I suppose there are some times when food is just food and dinner is just dinner and I eat whatever the heck I want and enjoy it - for example - I'm eating chocolate right now, and I've eaten a lot today (I do eat a lot, seriously) but a lot of the time, eating isn't just eating - it's so much more complicated.

So the question is - what will happen if I simply decide to behave differently when it comes to food? Will it change my thinking about food - you know, as they say in AA - you have to act your way into right thinking (as opposed to the other way around)? For me - this is straight up step 7 (character defects and needing to be free of them) - what underlies your character defects? Fear. What do you need to be free of to be free of your character defects? The fear underlying them. What if I simply change - what happens? What if I simply decide to feel differently about my body - what happens? We are about to find out.