Waiting sucks

This basically just sucks. Waiting sucks. Having to work while waiting sucks. It's distracting on the one hand but it sucks. The weekend overall was okay though. I just did what I always do, cleaned, ran errands, did laundry, went to a couple of AA meetings, talked to a couple of friends, worked out, and bought two books on Buddhism and recovery/the AA twelve steps. This has always been interesting to me and made more sense to me than other things in this little spiritual quest I've been on.

I left a message for the physician's assistant this morning - but so far I haven't heard back. But then again, the MRI was at 5:30 p.m. Friday and it's only 10 a.m. here. So, I'm sure it's not been read yet. When my morning conference calls are over, I am going to call my oncologist and my surgeon. Because why not right? Why not call everyone I can. It's going to be okay right? It has to be. I'm resisting the urge to make any more bargains with God about this. I'm trying not to, but all I can think is - if this turns out okay, I'm going to change my life. I am. I am going to change it.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Edited to add: The PA just called. The report is not available but she will keep checking and call me when she gets it. She thinks she can have it by the end of the day. If she doesn't, she will see if she can get a preliminary report but she will call me this afternoon either way. I love this woman. She deserves some kind of award for being the best medical professional on the planet. I seriously wish she knew how awesome she is. I wish I could tell her. Seriously - she's amazing. And I did start shaking when the phone rang - I recognize her number - we've talked so many times. I am surprised I haven't just saved it in my cell phone. More later...

Edited again: Should I be worried that it's 12:16 and she hasn't called? Probably not. She said she could get it by the END of today. End, that means 5, not now. She has other things to do than check my records every 5 minutes. I'm so unproductive. Why am I even here at work? (Because I have two conference calls). Wouldn't I rather be at home waiting? Yes. I would. But I am trying to just be as normal as possible. I came back to work a week and a half after I was diagnosed and then proceed to work 50 hours per week through cancer treatment. The reason why is a story in itself, but I suppose it can only be explained one way - I am a freak. I only need to bill 10.4 hours by the end of this month to stay on target for the minimum requirement, and I have 4 days to do it. So it's okay that I'm not productive. And, why am I talking about billable hours at a time like this? Exactly. Who the hell cares.