A psychiatrist that I saw a few times called me that once - a less desirable candidate. She said, "Of course the pool of men who are going to be willing to date you is significantly reduced because you had breast cancer. There are going to be men who consider you a less desirable candidate and will eliminate you as an option based on that fact alone." I said, "Oh, I had been hoping for something a little better than someone who was just willing to date me. I was hoping for someone who wanted to." It's a good thing I wasn't seeing her to deal with any emotional issues (I saw her a few times while trying to decide whether to take medication) - she did more damage in one minute than I care to go into. I have thought about it nearly every day since and thought about what it means.
But my point isn't how rude it was, or insensitive, or maybe poorly phrased, or even just plain unnecessary - but is she right?
The longer I spend alone, the less interested I become in bothering to find someone to be with. The longer I spend alone, the more I just see myself spending the rest of my life that way. There are things that I think I missed about being in a relationship and I don't miss those things anymore. I've just grown not to miss them. And because I have these things about me that make me a "less desirable candidate," I don't even want to go down the road of having to tell someone what those things are so that I can be eliminated (as she so eloquently put it). I'd rather just not.
People ask me a lot about dating in versus out of the program - and I don't know which is better for me. There are obvious advantages to dating in the program - the person gets you in a way that a non-program person can't. Of course there are non-program people who respect your sobriety or who respect recovery, but even though they respect it, they don't get it in the way we do. There are advantages to having an unspoken understanding about it. You also have the obvious advantage of not having to tell the person you are trying to date that you are sober. That's something I haven't figured out - when to tell, what to say...I just don't know. But I have enough fear around having to tell a non-program guy why I don't drink - that I don't even bother trying to meet any non-program guys. And then there are disadvantages to dating in the program that I won't go into.
This is on my mind because this guy at work said he has someone to introduce me to. Great. He said, "why don't we get a couple of people together and go for a drink so it isn't totally uncomfortable and set up? " I of course said, "great, sure!" I said that knowing it would only happen if I pushed him to get it set up, and knowing also that I won't bother to. Because what is the only thing thirty-something people go do when they want to meet up, or hang out, or introduce people to people? Go for a few cocktails. So I would have to go - and who am I going to bring except sober people - and sit there while they drink and be totally uncomfortable about the fact that I'm not drinking, which yes would be obvious since the point would be to go for drinks. Part of me thinks it might be nice to meet this person - BUT - I (a) don't want the meeting to be uncomfortable, and (b) don't want to deal with having to bring up the not drinking. Yes, I know, you don't have to bring it up right away, but eventually you do have to bring it up, and I wouldn't be able to wait very long. I would feel like I was pretending to be something that I'm not (or pretending not to be something that I am) if it wasn't out there in the open.
Besides the fear of telling someone that I'm sober (and being automatically eliminated because of it) - having to tell someone I had breast cancer is something I also have a lot of fear about. I have had this conversation with friends - about when the right time to tell someone is. They always say - you don't have to tell them - you can wait as long as you want. I kind of disagree. What if this woman is right - and men won't date me because of it - I would rather know than become even a tiny bit invested and then be rejected down the road for it. Never mind the fact that the first time I take my shirt off I would have to explain. It's not that my body has been disfigured because of it - but there is a 1 1/2 inch scar on my right breast and a 2 inch scar under my right arm, two tiny blue dots from the radiation, and my skin is slightly discolored in one spot from the radiation still.
I just don't know what the right time is to tell someone - but I feel like it matters. It matters because I could get it again and die, or it would be this whole ordeal that would have to be dealt with - and I could understand why someone just wouldn't want to sign up for it. And yes, it's true, a lot of people get breast cancer - but I can also so understand why someone would reject me because of it. Some of my friends have said that you can wait for months and months before you tell someone. I'm just not sure about that. Yeah I want it to be something that's in the past, but it's a huge thing, I don't feel like I should keep it a secret. I would never reject a guy on the basis that he had cancer - but I would also want to know (and not several months into it) - rather than just have it mentioned later as an after thought.
And yes, or course, I know that the guy who rejects me because I had breast cancer or because I'm sober is not the guy I want to be with. I know that. But that doesn't make it easier to tell someone and be eliminated for it. Knowing there are assholes out there and that I don't want to be with those people doesn't make me feel better about myself, it doesn't make me feel desirable, it doesn't make me think that she was wrong, it doesn't make me want to try. I'd rather just be alone and not bother trying, than have to tell any guy those two things and be eliminated because of it. I'd rather just be alone than go through how that would make me feel.
4 comments:
You are a VERY desirable candidate, you just don't know it. My husband has MS and he told me on the second date. And he just made it sound like a very matter of fact no big deal issue.
And it hasn't been, and it certainly wasn't a problem for me.
Now, some other women thought so, like his ex, who dumped him after his diagnosis. Her loss...my gain, foolish twit.
Anyway, as far as sobriety and telling, maybe ask if you can meet someone for lunch or coffee first. And then maybe for a second date pick something else like a movie or going rollerblading together or something that maybe wouldn't involve alcohol, then tell.
Or, meet someone online for computer dating match-ups. State it upfront, but make it clear that it is the least interesting thing about you, and that you have a lot to offer like a great personality and being a very kind person. (I think good-looking, but never having seen a picture, I'm assuming.)
Hmm, just re-reading my comment. I meant my husband's ex was the foolish twit! not me! Chuckle..
I dunno. I think I kind of agree with the people who say that you can wait until you feel comfortable discussing these kind of things. After all, my view is that unless you are very close to someone, whether you had breast cancer or whether you're sobor is really none of his business.
There are lots of people who don't drink for various reasons. In fact, a lot of times when I meet someone "for drinks," I have something nonalcoholic. And I never feel any need to explain or ask about it. So, maybe I'm just weird or maybe people care and/or notice this less than you think.
And I know it's not the same thing, but there is no way I would mention my dead baby issues to someone I just met. Or maybe even ever.
LAS, of course it makes you anxious - I can understand why. But you are a different person from the one you were before breast cancer. You are not the same. The woman you were before breast cancer - please hear me when I say this - will NOT be attractive to the man you are looking for. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it's true. If you think the right man won't want you, think again. He will. And he'll want you because you are YOU; scars and sobriety are part of YOU. And you can't get much better than you.
One more thing about the non-sober person dating a sober person: I dated a guy who was in AA and he told me on the second date. I didn't care a bit - I never even once thought of not dating him because he didn't drink. How ridiculous would that be? To NOT date someone because he or she wouldn't get drunk with you? A person who thinks that way isn't worth dating. The End.
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