A couple of things, like you don't know who you are talking to

Yesterday I wrote a post, and then un-posted it today. I un-posted it because it was emotional, it was honest, but emotional, and very much what I was feeling in the moment, which we all know is fleeting. It was about the holidays, and my anniversaries (surviving breast cancer and being sober) and how upset I am about Christmas and feeling like my anniversaries don't mean anything. On the one hand I feel like I should be able to post whatever I want on my own blog. I should be able to say how I'm feeling, right, without worrying about how other people feel about it. I wasn't blaming anyone for the way I feel - I don't do that, blame other people for the things that I feel. I wasn't saying the way I was feeling was right, because what you feel isn't right or ever wrong, it just is what it is. I was just getting it out, venting. I should be able to vent about how I feel, right? Well, I un-posted it so I wouldn't upset anyone. Anyway, that's sort of beside the point I guess, and I am sure there are better ways to deal with things that slapping your feelings on the Internet.

So today I was talking to someone, and expressing my upset about the very things I posted about in that post - my anniversaries, the holidays - I was just expressing how I felt. I wasn't blaming anyone, just venting about it - because like I said, it wasn't right or justified even, it just was what it was. I get sick of people saying you shouldn't feel a certain way. True, I could take action to change the way I feel, but the way I feel it isn't wrong. Well, this person I was talking to, she said something to me, that frankly, really pissed me off. What it was actually, was a reminder of the very thing that my sponsor likes to remind me of - not to judge people. Why - because you don't ever know what someone else's experience is. Actually, the day reading that I did this morning was about this very thing. It said, let the results of someone's actions be the judge. In any event, I've decided not to be friends with this person, because why, at this point in my life and my recovery, would I subject myself to people who treat me in ways I don't like? That would be old behavior. Yes this might seem drastic, but why would I welcome someone into my life who would say to me what this person said? I'm just not going to.

A lot of years ago - I learned this, about being being careful what you say to someone because you don't ever really know what their experiences are. You don't ever really know who you are talking to. You just don't. You just don't know what they have been through, what it feels like to be them, to be in their skin and their head and their life, what their decisions are based on, why they do what they do. You can't know those things. I learned this a lot of years ago, not because of something I said, but because of something someone said to me. That conversation that I had years ago, it changed my perspective. This person that I was talking to today, that changed my perspective also. It really hammered home my sponsor's point about judging people. Because that's what it was, a judgment of sorts, and harsh one. You might say that I can't blame her for a lack of understanding, she doesn't after all, know the whole story. But that isn't a good enough excuse anymore. What she said to me was quite nasty and uncalled for and I am tired of excusing people's bad behavior. I am holding them to a higher standard.