This is one of those times, where the bottom just kind of falls out. I'm going along and I'm fine, work is fine, things are fine, everything is fine - or at least, that is what I tell people. Everything is always fine. I am the one who is always fine. It's never really fine. I mean, I felt good in October, but was I really okay? Or was it some kind of cover up? Was I fooling myself, or was I actually fine? I don't even know. I just say that I'm fine because it is easier than telling the truth when I'm not fine. Like these past few days I guess I ventured a little too far into honesty, and kind of freaked people out - and I didn't mean to - it's just sometimes I wish I could tell the truth about how I feel. But I guess if you read these posts recently, well, okay, I can see how it sounds. It's just how I feel, I feel depressed and unhappy, and more so than normal - and I am struggling to figure certain things out, and it's the holidays and my anniversaries and there are times when I think - can't I write it here, how I feel, even if it's crazy and weird and totally irrational and fucked up, or just plain wrong? Can't I just feel how I feel here, or do I have to pretend like everywhere else in my life? I guess it doesn't really matter. The bottom got a little loose a couple of weeks ago, and then it suddenly, without warning, just fell out.
My tendency is to never really talk about not being okay. My tendency is to isolate myself and just deal with whatever I'm dealing with because I sometimes find it difficult to manage peoples' reactions to me, because usually if someone is trying to offer support to me, it's in some really fucked up all about them kind of way. I am used to dealing with things alone, so that's kind of what I do. It takes me feeling pretty bad, to actually say so, and even then, it's not because I actually believe that people will be supportive, and it certainly isn't to draw attention to myself, because I'd much rather go unnoticed. I just don't really know what support looks like actually - I've never had that. Not from parents or anything. I don't know how to ask for or receive help, how to not be okay, how to be honest about it. When I called my mother and told her I had breast cancer - she went hysterical. She was freaking out and crying and I was sitting there on the phone saying, it's going to be okay, everything will be fine. And I remember thinking, wait a second, this is backwards here.
And I think to some people, I just sound like I'm complaining. Oh poor me - isn't my life so terrible. I don't mean for it to sound that way. It isn't about being ungrateful, because of course I am. I am not ungrateful, I am just unhappy. I know that objectively my life looks great. Yes, it is true, I have a fabulous job - I work with great people, I love the work I do, I work for the nicest person on the plant, I have great opportunities ahead of me there, I don't have to worry about money, I live in a nice condo and have a nice office, I drive a nice car, I can afford to pay ridiculous amounts of money to park it at my office so that I never have to go out in bad weather, I have nice furniture and nice things. I know that I am fortunate, and that I also worked really hard for everything I have. But you dress it up nice, and it's still the same unhappiness. I've never been able to be happy. Not for any significant length of time anyway.
I know that material things won't make me happy - and that's not what it's about. I am not trying to fill holes with material things. It's just that my life looks nice, so people always say - we can't understand why you would be so unhappy. I don't understand it either really. It's an inside thing - and lately I just feel like all of the effort I have put into changing myself on the inside has been for nothing, because here we are, having the same old conversation about the same old unhappiness. And lately I feel really angry with my parents, because we got screwed basically, my brother and I. I feel like I have been ruined by my childhood, like it has damaged me and so far, I have been unable to undo the damage. It just feels like I've suffered, more than people should suffer. When I found out I had breast cancer - that was my first thought - haven't I suffered enough already? What the hell did I do to deserve this kind of suffering?
I don't know how I got here. Here, right now, to this moment, where it all feels so fucked up and pointless. Where it feels ruined and like things can never be undone. Like things will never be okay, or right, or the way that I want them to be, or good even. It all seems so complicated.
And thank you to Aurelia for sending some folks my way and for your comments and support. You all seem like such nice and caring people and I am glad to have found all of you and your blogs. I am always astounded when people actually show up for other people and offer support because it seems so unexpected to me, and it's just not what I am used to. I don't know quite what to do with it. But it is good to know that I am not all alone out here.
7 comments:
Las I had come by your last few posts and couldn't figure out what to say only having just 'met' you online. I forgot to come back and I am sorry about that. It won't happen again.
I also have a tendency to not admit to being Ok. I am starting to realise how that makes it hard for people to help me - both online and off.
My mom is very similar to yours. Hmmm think that has anything to do with it? ;)
LAS, What you are feeling - the "I have a bunch of great stuff going for me, so why do I feel so bad" thing - that's maddeningly common. I am in that mental position a whole lot of the time, too. I've come to accept it as part genetic bad luck and part life just sucking. There are people out there who are grinning and giggling all the way to their last breath - with lives far worse than ours. And there are those who are far more fortunate than we are who kill themselves. My point is you'll never get solid numbers on what percentage of your bad emotional weather is caused by bad circumstances and what percentage is caused by just plain bad genetic luck. I feel for you - I live this sort of stuff every day myself. That said, I'll tell you the only thing I have ever learned about beating the blues that has any effectiveness whatsoever. It's not drugs, it's not therapy, it's not "talking about it" - (although I do a lot of that and it does satisfy something), it's not cupcakes (gosh I love those) and it's not buying stuff either. Sex doesn't even help. The only thing that has ever been truly helpful is doing something nice for someone else. So unglamorous, so unsexy, so huh? But it works. Bake cookies for the neighbor's kids, or help someone carry groceries, buy Thanksgiving dinner for someone who really can't afford it, send someone flowers, send someone a card. Almost anything will do.
I know. Probably the last thing you want to hear right now. But for me, a long time veteran of "my pretty good life will never be ok" - it helps. Give it a try.
Have you ever read DR.Seuss's Oh the places you'll go?
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry for all the hard things in your life, even though it might look nice and easy from the outside, I can see how it is hard on you. Here's hope for improvement.
I can totally identify with family members freaking out. I can't write about upsetting things in my blog anymore, because it freaks out my mom. Then it's not about me having a hard time or trying to learn how to cope with a new challenge -- it's about her needing to lecture me for hours because obviously I'm unable to cope with life. When I try to convince her that I can't use her help and I need to learn these things on my own, she slams herself for being a "bad mom". So whatever you do, never allow your family to see your blog. At least you still have an outlet.
Yeah, things are broken. Smashed into a million tiny pieces. My sponsor talks about the beauty of a mosaic. From a million tiny pieces, an artist can make something truly beautiful. Something good can come from broken things. And that's all we are. We're all broken in different ways.
Keep posting and know you're not alone ... thank you for sharing.
You're welcome hon. Now, give yourself a break. External stuff is nice, it can make life easier, but it isn't the be-all and end-all or the universe. Being happy inside takes time, and work, and you are getting there eventually.
You are so not alone. And, hey, you've helped me already.
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