One by one

One by one I am ending my friendships. Call it cleaning up some messes from the past. The one I ended the other day though didn't mean much to me - it's like the person slips from your existence unnoticed and it doesn't seem like anything is missing. It is easy, ending it - there is really no ending to it, you just stop engaging in it and it goes away. You don't even miss it.

This one though, I'm upset about. And I can't tell you why, I can't tell you the story - but just trust me when I tell you that you would agree with me. You would agree with me in ending it - you might not agree with being upset about it. I wish I could talk more openly about it - for some positive reinforcement, but I can't. The thing is though - this person, for right or wrong, meant something to me. They meant a lot to me actually, and I hate that. It's pretty painfully obvious to me at this point however, that they don't really care about our friendship. I've ended this friendship multiple times. And each and every time I get talked back into it. The person asks for my friendship back and I give it to them. It's never clear to me why they want it, but I give it to them anyway. And then I end it again and give it back again and end it again. And I wonder when I'll ever learn. Maybe this time.

This one doesn't slip away unnoticed. This one leaves a hole, a giant hole and I desperately want to fill it with something. Anything. All that is left is the same hole that was there to begin with, but it's still a hole. It's the same hole and it's the same size, it just has a different shape. This friendship played upon every weakness that I had and the very things I most hate about myself and I was powerless to stop it. It is the perfect example of everything that has ever been wrong about my life and relationships. It is the perfect example of the things that haven't changed, despite all the work I've done, I still feel the same about myself. If I didn't, I wouldn't be writing this post, I wouldn't have had this day. The thing about these friendships that I'm ending - they are very clear to me when they aren't mine. The answer is clear, if it's you. But if it's me, well...it's another story about low self-esteem, actually, this time it's the same story.

And it's been twisted around and convoluted - the story. It's been spun into something else. Because I know that I have a part in it. It's hard to be angry when you've been trained to look at your own part of a situation instead of blaming someone else. It's hard but it's not impossible. My part is that I keep participating, expecting it to be different. I willingly participate. I lose sight of the reason why I was angry in the first place, and that's what I need to remember, because I had no part of that. You know what they say - the first time you treat me shitty, shame on you, the second time, shame on me. What about the third and the fourth and the sixth and the seventh time someone makes you feel bad? You start to look like the stupid one.

I don't know where the anger goes, it just dissipates and that allows me to continue as if what happened didn't. Because if the options are to lose someone, to feel abandoned, or to keep someone, no matter what it says about me - I choose to keep them, because I am so desperately afraid of abandonment. Even if it means I couldn't possibly have any self respect.