I had a follow-up with my oncologist today - just a routine in between mammogram follow-up. Everything is fine. I wasn't worried - I just had a mammogram 3 months ago - I guess it would be surprising if something was found during one of these appointments. Actually, it would be surprising if anything is found ever - cause according to my oncologist, this isn't going to happen again. She has told me that I had the best possible outcome one can ever hope for and that long term odds are significantly better for people with my outcome, and that the odds are overwhelmingly in my favor, that she would be very surprised if I ever had any kind of cancer again. That's what she has said. Shouldn't that make me feel better? The chemo drugs got rid of the tumor completely - quickly - we think maybe after 3 treatments (but I did 8) (and the tumor was almost 4 cm), and when I had surgery, there were no cancer cells left - nothing, and my lymph nodes were clear, and I don't have a gene for it, and I have no family history. But wait a second, why did it happen in the first place? I mean what are the odds, at 29? According to my doctor, less than 1%. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
Frankly, these in between follow-ups don't do much for me, cause well, I have little faith in breast exams. Don't get me wrong, we all need to be doing them - it's just that I want films and I want to see them and go over them and ask questions about things that I see that are so obviously nothing. I mean honestly, how does my doctor know - my chest is lumpy and dense and I have found all kinds of things that have resulted in expensive doctor's appointments for nothing - except - well, my peace of mind. Anyway, I like my oncologist. I like her a lot actually.
So, until next time, which is 3 months from now, can I at least relax and stop worrying that I'm going to die? Can I get a couple of goods months where it isn't on my mind every day, where I get to live without this hanging over my head and coloring everything? Probably not. I'm still going to worry, it's still going to be so terrifying that I sometimes can't breathe. Most likely I'll end up back there before 3 months from now - I used to go in once a month - cause that's how often I freaked out - for the first 6 months anyway. The next time I'm having an MRI in addition to a mammogram, so that will definitely make me feel better, at least for a little while. It just doesn't last, it doesn't take the fear away - just knowing that I'm fine at the moment, doesn't make me feel better in the longer term. The only thing that makes me feel better long term is getting to some goal - like a year - it's been almost one year. They say if it is going to come back, it is most likely to come back in the first two years - so that's one milestone. So making these milestones helps. Except - it's like all things right, you get to the milestone and you realize that you lost all the time leading up to it. That's my big worry - ten years from now, I'll still be here, and won't know where the ten years went - cause I will have wasted it worrying.
1 comment:
Well, I think the worry lessens bit by bit over time, right?
Right after my pregnancy losses, I felt very very grief-stricken, but over the years and over time, I have managed to feel less sad. You aren't wasting time, you've been working, and talking to people, and living life. That's not a waste, even if it feels that way sometimes.
Each year after this will be better, I promise. (And the MRI sounds like an excellent idea, I heard they are very good at detecting changes in younger breast tissue, so even more reassurance, right?)
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