I've spent my whole life wishing

That I were prettier, smarter, funnier, more confident, more successful, more outgoing, shorter, thinner, that my hair was thicker, my torso longer, my legs shorter, my feet smaller, that I did better in school than I did, that I could sing, that I had some kind of talent, that I had never stopped playing the piano, that I had different parents, a different extended family, a different child hood, a different life, different memories, that I wasn't negative and pessimistic, that I didn't have anxiety, that I was married by a certain age, that I had had children by a certain age, that I had children at all, that I had a fairy tale wedding, that I had had something other than a completely dysfunctional relationship with every man I've ever dated, that I wasn't afraid to dance in public, that I wasn't so afraid of what you think of me, that some guy would want to be with me, that I hadn't been so afraid to be alone that I was willing to do anything to keep you, that I didn't hate myself, that I had self respect, that I wasn't afraid to tell the truth, that I hadn't made half the choices that I made, or dated any of the people I had dated, that I could take things back, that I could have been a better friend, a better person, and less selfish, that I hadn't tried so hard to make people like me that I lost myself, that I wasn't afraid to be myself, that I hadn't had breast cancer, that I didn't feel like I was always about to be found out or like the rug was about to be pulled out from under me, that I wasn't afraid to cry in front of people or admit that something is painful, that just once, my mother had shown up for me, that she wasn't an alcoholic, that I could tell my father the truth about being in AA, that I could stop pretending to be things that I'm not, and quit pretending not to be things that I am, that I could just be. All I ever really wanted, was to just be someone else.