There must just be this part of me that holds out hope that some how, one way or another, at some point, eventually - things are going to be different with my mother. Things are going to be different because she is going change. She is going to change and apologize and some how she is going to be the mother I deserved or that I would have wanted. On some days the past seems more resolved than others. On a lot of days what I feel is forgiveness for her, and pity. There are days when I don't feel completely angry. But lately I feel angry about it. Like we got screwed and it wasn't fair.
I had this really messed up dream a couple of days ago. In this dream my mother took my brother and I on a trip (which would never in a million years happen), and she told us she was dying and that she just found out and she would be dead in a week. Now in reality I have imagined this moment - not the moment of my mother telling me she is dying - but the moment when I hear about her death. Of course it is always hard to imagine what something is going to feel like, I mean, you can't really know until the actual moment. But when I anticipate the moment, my reaction is, that I have no reaction, I don't feel anything, I don't care. I know how horrible this probably sounds and I'm sure it makes me sound like a terrible person. I have had times in my life, including recently, where I have felt like if my mother did die, I wouldn't care.
Well, in the dream - I went hysterical. I actually woke up with tears on my face. I was sobbing and saying this isn't right, it can't end this way, things aren't right and they can't end this way. Things need to be resolved. We need more time, we need to fix this.
What does this mean? Does this mean that I'm just not over it? Or that I actually need to do something? The sad fact is, my mother is never going to be different and resolution to the situation falls on her - cause there is nothing I can do and it isn't my responsibility. I think I've done everything I can do - except changing myself. My sponsor always tells me that my part of that - my part of the situation with my parents is simply expecting them to be different. So if I stop expecting that, then I won't be disappointed when everything is just the same. That's my part of that resentment and anger - expecting her to be someone she is incapable of being.
Though it isn't always on my mind, rarely actually, there must be a part of me that just wishes it had all been different and could be different now. On my most days I don't even know that I wish for that. How do I stop wishing for that?
1 comment:
LAS, I wish I had some easy answers for you. I loved my mom, but I also had serious conflicts with her before she died, and they never got resolved. She was, in some ways, a fabulous mom, but no one would have called her June Cleaver. Even she would be ready to admit she had issues.
That said, the only thing that has helped me over the years since her death has been to judge her by the qualities she did have rather than criticize her for those she didn't. She drove me batshit crazy, yes. But if I look into my past I see someone trynig very hard to give me a beautiful childhood full of love and laughter. She tried really hard. The fact that she didn't entirely succeed seems to me now unimportant next to how much she wanted that for us
No, your mom is not going to change. Mine never did. But for everything that broke my heart about her, there was something good. The good is what I focus on. Is there a way to turn your attention to what she does right?
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