What is scary about it

It does actually scare me sometimes, this type of a mood fluctuation. Because it seems so extreme, and it happens so fast. And maybe part of the reason I don't always talk about it is because it changes, before I even have a chance to. I can literally go from fine, to not fine, to fine in a four to five day period. And the fine is pretty much fine, but the not fine is, well, dangerous in some ways. And then sometimes I have longer periods of fine or longer periods of not fine, but if the not fine period is long, it's not so extreme. I've never really gotten to the bottom of this - it's just the way I've always been. Sort of on a roller coaster ride that is unpredictable and exhausting. And my perception of reality is heavily affected by it - the extent to which my life is amazing or unbearable. People will mention frequently that perhaps I should take medication, which I have tried before, it's just that I haven't found a doctor really willing to work with me to figure it out. It's not really depression, it's not really bipolar, it's not just anxiety - it's just some weird combination of things. I don't seem to fit any definitions, but it isn't normal either. Or at least, I don't think it is, but then again, I don't have anything to compare it to. Sometimes I wish I knew what a "normal" person feels like.

Two days ago, I would have said yes, absolutely, I'll take something, anything actually, cause I'm desperate not to feel this way and that could be sobriety threatening if I don't get some relief. And now two days later - I'm not back to perfectly fine, but I feel better enough that it seems unnecessary to start this whole trying to find a drug that works mess over again. It's hard for me to convince myself to do it during a time when I actually feel okay. I'm just torn over it I guess. I just don't know. Because it will go away, it's just a matter of waiting it out - it's just sometimes, like earlier today, I can't see that it will end. And then the end is in sight and then I lose sight of it again. But it comes eventually - eventually I don't feel so hopeless or lost or damaged. I don't know what to do about it.

Whenever I come out of the really low of the low (and I don't really know how far out of it or in it I am at the moment) - it almost feels like I was a different person when I felt that way. It just feels like I was someone else - because that just isn't me. Except that it is. And I always think wow - well thank God I didn't do anything stupid. Thank God in a moment of utter desperation I didn't do anything stupid. It's not that I would try to hurt myself, because I wouldn't, it's just that it feels like my sobriety is in danger in these situations because the desperation is incredibly powerful. The things that I feel, when I feel them with such intensity - the pain, it feels impossible to live through and the feeling of needing relief overwhelms everything. And the thing is, there are only so many ways of escaping.

I am an escape artist, a relief seeker. I don't like to feel anything. My favorite feeling, is to feel nothing. I find myself in these moments, of such intense pain, and I panic because I don't have a way out. My options are limited. I don't have anything to take the edge off of the feeling. So what is it going to be? How painful is it? And how long can I stand it? What am I going to give up in exchange for a little relief? For a little temporary oblivion? My sobriety? Am I that desperate? It starts to feel so unbearable that something has to give. And I know lots and lots of people who give up their sobriety because they cannot wait the feeling out. Unfortunately, I know quite a few people who have given up more than their sobriety, they have given up their lives. A permanent solution to a temporary problem, as we say. I think that's why a lot of people don't make it through early sobriety, because you have to be able to sit through it, and for someone who doesn't like to feel anything, that's incredibly hard to do. For me, when I stopped drinking, I went from feeling nothing, and not even knowing it, to feeling everything and not knowing what any of it was. It's not so much that I think about drinking these days when I feel bad - I don't really, except on a rare occasion, because well, I have too much AA in my head to really entertain it for more than a second or two. I'm just reminded how much I loved that "feeling." That feeling you get when you drink enough. The numbness, the nothingness, the oblivion, the feeling of not caring about anything. I am in love with that feeling.

One thing that has helped me a lot that I got from AA, is the ability to sit in something - to sit in the middle of something that feels terrible, to live through it, to wait it out, to not give into it. But I suppose based on the past few days, sometimes I am still not so great at it. Because even though I know it passes, it doesn't feel like it when you are in it. It is very hard to remember that in the moment. I always want to change the name of this blog, but then again, it seems appropriate. So if I can just manage to sit here in this for 22 more days, I will have been sober for two years. But that's another post.