Eight until eight

It seems that I can only post first thing in the morning these days, cause once I get going, well, I am going until 8 p.m.. Then I go home, eat something, weird usually because I don't have it in me to make something real, return a phone call, do a few things at my house, sit down for a second to ask myself whether I still feel human (and I don't), realize I need to go to bed cause tomorrow is another crazy day, struggle with not being able to sleep, wake up at 2 a.m. and lay there for 2 hours pondering - everything - finally fall back asleep, wake up at 6:19 a.m., one minute before the alarm is set to go off, and all I can think is, fuck. Curse the dry cleaner on the way out the door because she is 10 minutes late and the only time I can get the dry cleaning is first thing, cause, in what world do I get home by 6:30? Walk in the door of my office right at 8, see that my VM light is on, and wonder who in the hell has already called me today?

Whenever I get this busy, I always say my job is like a drug. You can get a real rush off of it, a real high from the intensity - or - you can totally numb out and check out of real life for a while. I favor the latter (you probably could have guessed that) which is why I say I don't feel human. I asked myself yesterday how I was doing, emotionally - happy, not happy, content, upset still over something, sad, bored, angry, lonely, anything. Nope, nothing. I have nothing, no emotions. I literally can't even access how I might be feeling at the moment because I am too busy at work and too caught up in it to register anything. But either way, whether you get a high off of it or you numb out because of it - eventually, you will come crashing back to reality, and I do mean crashing.

I promise, better posts will follow soon...

Edited to add: two people have told me to write a gratitude list...I wonder why? Could it because I called someone this morning to whine and complain...oh poor me, I am working so much and I'm so tired, well anyway, that will be my next post because the other person told me to write it a week ago...