Homeward bound, just not me

My brother, sister-in-law and nephew are en route back to Michigan, back to our home town, to live. Who would have guessed that their journey to another country would land them right where they started (after a brief spell in Boston that is). Going home - to me, everything and nothing is appealing about this idea. I wanted so desperately to leave there, but now that they are moving back, I want to also.

There are things that I miss about being there, that have nothing to do with family. My closest friends are there, even though I've been here for 2 years now. I miss AA there - it's a lot different than here. I miss the table meetings at the Alano Club and all the people that I sat there with day after day for 6 months. I miss the slowness of not being in a city. I miss my favorite coffee shop and my favorite sushi restaurant, my best friend Heather and walking with Claire. I just miss the town.

It's no secret that I'm not that happy here. The thing is, I KNOW it's not here that is making me unhappy. It's something else. It's that thing that has always made me unhappy - that undefinable thing that I have never been able to put my finger on. And I am trying not to suffer from the illusion that moving will fix it - but I do really believe that I would be happier if I move back there, especially now that my brother and sister-in-law will be there.

But the thing is, I can't get a job there like the job that I have in Chicago. Not only would I have to take a 50% pay cut (yikes) if I left my job for any other job, but I couldn't even get a job in my area of law there. What I do is uncommon and well, in some ways I feel like I'm locking myself in - I mean, I am actually. So in some ways, I'm stuck here. Now, as far as places to be stuck, it isn't all bad - I mean, I do really like my job a lot.

So here's the thing, we have three people in my group who live in other states and telecommute. My grand plan is to hold out for a while, at least one more year, probably two and then just see where I'm at career wise. Because I don't want to leave my job, but if my brother stays in Ann Arbor, and I could move there and work from my home like the other 3 do, well, I would probably. Unless I had something else keeping me here. I need to be in the right position when I go to ask for this - a position where they absolutely don't want to lose me so they would be willing to let me do whatever I wanted. I think I'm actually already in that position (seriously, they are going to flip out when I try to take this leave that I want), but I want to make sure it's rock solid before I try to do it. Cause I definitely don't want to jeopardize my job. And, I want to make absolutely sure that when I do that, it's the right choice - you know, that I'm not leaving here to escape myself and that I'm sure of where I want to be - because that is the last place I ever thought I would consider returning to.

But you can bet in the mean time I'll be going home frequently to stay with them and see my nephew, and see how it feels to be there. And that's probably where I'll go for much of the leave that I am planning. It's only a 4 hour drive and I have the flexibility at work to leave early whenever I want or work form outside the office. Anyway - I haven't made any more plans regarding the leave, cause I can't take it until after the end of April anyway - so more later on that...

Today I am grateful that my brother and family are moving back home and will be closer. I'll get to see them more often and I'll get to really know my nephew and he'll know who I am. I think everything about it is going to be good for them - they have good job opportunities lined up there and I just have a good feeling about it.

So, no rainbows here today, but it isn't totally raining either.