In my name

A friend called me this morning to ask if I would mind if she walked the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk this fall in my name. Of course I don't mind - it means a lot to me that she would do that. I actually want to walk in it myself. I even wanted to last year, but didn't want to walk it alone (meaning without a friend). Should I walk it with her? She says she wants to walk it in my name even if I walk with her - she's going to have t-shirts made with my name on them to wear every day.

My friendship with this person has been a little bit up and down (just meaning that things have happened that seem to have made us less close than we once were - though when we reconnect from time to time, it doesn't feel like it) - but she's one of those people that no matter whatever happened or happens between us, or whatever we may disagree about or feel differently about - if I needed anything, and I do literally mean anything - I know absolutely for sure, without any question, that she would show up for me. No matter what, no questions asked. In fact, she is the reason I stayed sober through surviving breast cancer. Without her, I am quit sure I would not have.

For some reason though - the thought of doing this walk is daunting. It isn't the fund raising that scares me (you have to raise a certain amount to "enter") - I'm sure that I can raise a lot of money - between AA people, my friends, my family, my colleagues, maybe even strangers who read my blog - I'm positive I could do it and that I could help my friend raise the money she needs also. I've heard from people who have walked it that it was the most amazing thing they have ever done, and one of the most difficult.

I don't know what is stopping me from committing to doing it. It just seems overwhelming or something to train for it. And could I do it? Could I train for it and actually walk 60 miles? I mean, if ever there were a cause or a reason for me to do something like this - this would be the reason. Rarely have I ever let fear stop me from doing things. I think I have mostly been fearless in terms of pursuing what I wanted out of things like my education and my career. And though there were times in the middle of everything I went through when I thought perhaps I wouldn't make it - I survived that with a kind of strength that I have been told is unparalleled. But it was a strength not my own - it was given to me, that was grace.

So why don't I feel strong enough to do this walk, when I know that I have the strength to do literally anything? I want to do it, but I'm scared to.