With every step we take

I have been thinking today about the principles behind the steps of AA, which I know I've written about before, or maybe even included in a post. I'm not really sure what got me thinking about it - except maybe step 9 which my sponsor and I were talking about. Step 12 says, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs." See the thing is, I know a lot of people who can talk the talk, but who don't walk the walk, as we say. And I don't care what you have to say in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous - it's what you do when you walk out the door that matters. So I ask myself from time to time, just how "rightly" am I living? And it matters to me. Because that is the test of how well I am working the program - how well I practice the principles in all of the other areas of my life - and success in the program depends on a lot of things, including my ability to live differently. And if all you've done is stay sober, then you've missed the point entirely.

Step 9 to me is where the rubber meets the road so to speak. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." When it comes to amends you can have "direct amends," which require you to go to a person that you harmed, and well, make amends, whatever that means - depending on the situation. And then there are "living amends" - which 95% of my amends are of this type. I didn't really directly harm very many people (and none as a direct result of drinking by the way), and for those that I did directly harm, I am unable to go back to them where doing so would cause more harm. And this - these living amends - is where you find out whether you have changed - because to make a living amend, means living differently, treating people differently, behaving differently - the ability to do this depends on, among other things, how successfully you have worked the previous 8 steps.

I'm not saying you can't begin to practice the principles in all of your affairs from the get go - in fact I think you have to in order to succeed. I just think it is in step 9 that you really find out what you are made of. Step 9 is a never ending process and I think when I got to it, I wanted it to be something that I would just do and then move on from. I wanted it to be simple and straight forward, I wanted to apologize for however I had treated people and then just move on. And I was disappointed to find out that my amends were all living amends and that I would hit a real road block if I didn't find a way to change, and change quickly. I realized that I was going to have to go back to steps 6 and 7, the character defect steps and somehow becoming willing to change. I was going to have to find the willingness that it says is required in "How it Works," the willingness to go to any lengths. I have struggled to find it.

The 9th step is the step where you become free. The principle of the 9th step is freedom. I do believe that you are as free as you want to be. No one is going to do this for you, well, your higher power will actually, but you have to ask and you have to be willing and you have to take action. I am about to embark on another attempt at step 9 because how I live my life today matters to me and there are things that I want to change. The principles behind the steps are acceptance, faith, surrender and trust, honesty, courage, willingness, humility, forgiveness, freedom, perseverance, patience, and charity and love.

What I love about AA is that it is a program about how to live life. I went there because I didn't want to live anymore and I stuck around, not because I thought drinking had anything to do with it, but because someone told me that if I could change my attitude, it would change my life. And he was right.

It is a never ending process - more will be revealed, as they say.

Today I am grateful for my sponsor Michelle. She was my first sponsor when I first came into the program. I've switched back to her even though she is in another state because it wasn't working with my sponsor here. I worked the steps the first time, I made a beginning, to humor her I suppose. And a funny thing happened, it changed my life. I'm grateful that even though we lost touch for some time we have been able to reconnect. I am grateful that I can tell her the truth, without any fear of judgment. I appreciate her honesty, her ability to, well, call me out on my shit, while being compassionate at the same time. She has been sober 17 years which I find amazing.