I'm standing here, looking, peering over the edge of the cliff - one foot dangling. It appears to be a very long way down. This isn't like normal where I kind of slip, slowly, almost without noticing, hanging on by a thread that eventually snaps as I've gotten closer to the bottom. It snaps unexpectedly and there isn't too far to fall. This is more like I just feel like stepping off the edge of it, flinging myself over maybe, knowing what is awaiting me. It is desolate. I am hesitating. Don't mind me, I'm just somewhere in between sad and unhappy, and unable to find my way out of it it seems, again, or for the moment.
Oh right, I forgot, gratitude. I can't leave without being grateful - remember, I am supposed to be changing the whole character of this blog, to rainbows and pretty things and everything that is wonderful and right in my life. How is it working? I am grateful that I can think of other things to do right now than think about offing myself. The title of this blog - I've always wanted to change it. But it's one of my favorite recovery slogans, this too shall pass. I'm grateful that I know that, that I believe that, that I learned that early on. Because if I hadn't come to appreciate that - to believe that whatever I was feeling, wouldn't last forever, I might not have survived this long.
3 comments:
I hope that the warming up weather does your body some good. If not, you can always come out to sunny San Carlos and chill with your Aunt Becky.
Hang in there, girl. This too shall pass is exactly right.
The morning after A died, before he was born, our rabbi came to see us in the hospital. One of the things she did then was to show us the ring she asked her husband to make for her. That's what the ring says-- this too shall pass, in Hebrew. And she told us about the King Solomon origin of it. I have always wanted to tell you this story, but it seemed a bit morbid to bring it up for no reason. Anyway, I am glad this saying sustains you.
And please, back away from the cliff, k?
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