I'm slipping into a depression - well, or what "depression" looks like for me - it may not fit the technical definition of the word. I can tell that's where I'm headed. I can't remember the last time this happened. See, it's been a while and I've been pretty stable lately. I'd have to look back through the blog to figure out the last time that I plummeted. Except this time it feels more like a slow descent where as it usually feels like the bottom falls out, suddenly and without warning. And you might think I could put the brakes on then, you know, because it's like I'm watching this happen from outside of myself in slow motion, but I don't feel like it. I'd rather just ride the elevator down and then watch myself sit there. I have no motivation. I can't concentrate at work. I have to bill hours - I have to catch back up - I have two months to hit hours, and every day I just pray that I wake up late. I try to wake up late. It doesn't work, but I try.
What I really want right now is to take what we program people call the geographic cure. I want to up and move and be someone else, somewhere else. Except that I have no illusions about that, I know it doesn't work, but that's what I want to do. I'm not going to, but I want to. I want to badly. I'm somewhat of an escape artist when it comes to feeling things. I'm an avoider.
I have one observation to make at the moment before I try to go to sleep and stay asleep for as long as possible. I'm unhappy. Well, no shit. But I mean, I don't think I've really been happy, ever, and not since I got here to Chicago, that's for sure. But I know it isn't the fact that I'm here. It's just me. It's me and I don't feel like changing so I'm stuck. A friend reminded me the other day of one of his favorite things to remind me 0f - "happiness is not a destination," he tells me. And I always say, "yeah, but I just know I'll be happy when I get there."
4 comments:
Yeah... been there. The happy thing, for me doesn't happen on a global scale. I do not get happy about my life or the world or how things are going. (They don't go well, if you are me). What I can get happy about are small things. A perfect avocado, a hot shower, a really good blog post where someone says something I really needed to hear. Those moments are transient but they still count. Get you some.
you don't sound well. I recognize the place of which you speak, too. And all I can hope for from this side of the screen is that you do find the motivation to try to catch this thing before it turns into the bottom-falling-out total darkness.
I hope you do.
Oh man, I'm sorry. I've been pulling myself out of the same hole for the past couple of months, so I know how you feel. This winter has been particularly brutal here, hasn't it?
Anything I can do? Want to come over and make cookies sometime? Seriously, drop me an email and we'll make it happen. You know I'm close.
Winter SUCKS. We needs that sunshine happiness to seep in and everyone will feel better. The GRass will green, the birds will sing and we will be much happier... until the Summer heat wave sets in that is.
I too love a good geographic change everyone once in a while - however I have had to stay put for some time and I find myself rearanging furniture. Opening the shades, painting a few walls so it LOOKS a bit different.
Try it-- change is change, it does not need to be geographic....
Just make your place look different! It is all in your head!
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