The unreality I live in

Every so often I am blessed with perspective. Yes, you have heard me say this before - because for me, perspective is so easy to lose and so hard to maintain. And it is a blessing when it happens. Usually when I have these moments of perspective it is health related, and I realize just how damn grateful I am to simply be alive, even if my life isn't just exactly the way I would have wanted it to be. Sometimes in such moments I realize it is better than I even thought possible. This time the perspective is financial related.

The economy is tanking all around us and I am living over here in my own personal "unreality." It's just that I forget sometimes that I'm not living the average American's life with the average American's lifestyle. It's easy to forget - I mean, I am surrounded by similarly situated people - I spend all my days, and long ones with people that have my similar job etc. And then I realize, for some reason, that I'm living in some other reality from most people, and wow, how ungrateful I must seem to all of you. My reality is not most people's reality.

Because I am over here bitching up a storm about my job, my really wonderfully fabulous job, that I actually do like quite a lot, while at the same time high-fiving myself for the great deal I got on 3 pair of pants, and 4 pair of shoes and all the other clothes I have bought in the past few weeks - I've lost track - and fantasizing about the BMW I want to buy in 6 months when the lease on my car is up, while also complaining about the $700 doctor bill that I got for the MRI biopsy that I didn't want to have (and turns out I didn't need), a bill that I can easily afford, except that I'm pissed about it because you know, that's $700 less that will be in my "hoard" (yes I could have not bought the clothes), and at the same time I am planning a two month unpaid leave of absence, which I can also easily afford, and yes, while still continuing to bitch about that job, which by the way - is affording me really pretty decent job security in the middle of a really uncertain economic time, and you know I'm spending money left and right on whatever I feel like buying and acting shocked and upset when I open the gas bill and it's $18 instead of $11 (because I turned the gas fireplace on for ambiance not heat) and don't forget that I spend $230 a month to drive my car less than two miles from my home and park it by my office, because you know, I don't want to be inconvenienced by having to go outside, all while stressing about money and spending it and crying that I don't have husband or a boyfriend or anyone to date, when the actual reality is that I have absolutely nothing to complain or worry about (please no comments on the comma use)....yes, I am shit head of a person sometimes.

While other people lose houses and jobs and can't find new ones and can't pay their bills, among all the other things that are happening to people.

It is humbling.

Because me and my ungrateful self are sitting over here, like I said, in my own "unreality," with a great job that I like, working with amazing people, a great income, a good future, financial security, tons of money saved, good job security, no debt other than one student loan (mind you it is a big one), complaining about the very job that is providing me with every thing I have and still failing miserably at consistently maintaining gratitude.

Well folks, we are about to change that. Because I am going to tell you every day what I'm grateful for. This has been a long time coming (notice I didn't write the gratitude list I promised you the other day). Cause you know, any program person would tell you that writing a gratitude list can change everything. We need to have an attitude of gratitude people. Just wait - this blog is going to turn into some happy, positive blog full of optimism, gratitude, and wonderfulness, with happy/fun stories about rainbows and pretty things and sun shine and all the things that are right in the world and how I love people and people are wonderful (actually, let's not go that far). I mean, I'm still me - I basically hate almost everyone and I tend toward the negative side - but we'll see what happens. Anything is possible, right? I've been in a weird mood lately (meaning, oh, for about 4 or 5 days) and you do know what they say - you have to act your way into right thinking. Well, let's get on it people. Let's start acting like we aren't ungrateful shit heads and maybe we won't be. (Hmm, I wonder how long this is going to last?)

Today, I am grateful for my job and the fact that I have work to do this weekend because it means that so far, we aren't slowing down with the rest of the economy. And I'm really grateful to have a job that I actually really like and enjoy. And I'm grateful for the people that I work with, who were amazing to me when I had breast cancer. I was closer to them than I was my own family - these are the people who really watched me go through that and they were truly amazing and caring.

Oh, and I am also grateful for the woman who was put into my life last week through the cancer support organization I volunteer for. Her faith inspires me.

See, it is all about perspective.