Uninspired

I don't know what to say. I feel the same as I did the other day - blah and still reeling from the messy situation I got myself into. I think I've plateaued some where short of depression. I mean, all I can really say is that I'm unhappy - but, what does that mean? I don't feel completely hopeless, only sort of. I feel hopeless that things will ever be okay - but optimistic that I can convince myself to settle for less than what I would have wanted, just so that I feel less disappointed. I'm not quite ready to try to dig myself out of it yet, I think I'd like to sink a little deeper. There is some regularity to the way that my mood cycles actually and so I'm not surprised. This though was brought on by my own doing - that messy situation I vaguely wrote about. Anyway...

It was an average week. Busy at work, but not quite busy enough which stresses me out about my hours. People keep telling me not to worry about it - people who don't have my job and don't get the stress of it. It isn't stressful all the time, just at the beginning and end of the year, but it's always on my mind - I am always aware of whether I am on target because you have to plan for vacation time. I can vacation all I want - assuming I can hit my hours - so, I like to get several weeks banked in the first half of the year so that I don't have to worry about it. I was 150 hours ahead at the end of Oct. - but see, it was slow over the holidays and I took time off and then I had that scare - which probably cost me 50 hours. So I ended up about 30 behind.

Everyone says - of course you will hit your hours, don't worry about it. But the thing is, it's not so obvious that I will hit the requirement. Here's the thing - for me to hit my hours, I have to bill 8.8 hours per day for the next, what is it, 34 work days. Now, granted that doesn't sound that hard - but it is. It means I have to be super efficient - I need to be billing most of the time that I'm there. I can't just work 8.8 hours, I have to bill 8.8 hours. So that means I need a few 10-11 hour days and some hours on some weekends. Because I have practice group meetings, and other non-billable crap, and down time sometimes that I can't do anything about. I mean, I can only have so many time entries that read, 3.5 Professional reading (i.e., the time I spent reading blogs that day).

I didn't mean for this to be a post about how I'm not billing enough. I have no desire to bill anything over the requirement - it isn't worth the bonus money. But I need to hit 2001. If I hit that, part of my bonus is automatic, and, my raise is guaranteed. If I hit 1995, technically, they could deny me my raise. Now, that would be unlikely, but it looks bad to come up 10-20 hours short - cause you know, couldn't you have gotten the extra hours in? Plus, I want my raise. But who cares, right? I'm a rock star at work anyway. I'd be willing to bet money that I'm the most profitable associate in the group, again. That's the thing, the saving grace of it all is that even when I fail miserably as a person and in all other aspects of my life, I'm really good at my job.

Moving on. I'm having major body image problems again. Remember that from a few weeks ago, or was it months ago? Well, I put it aside, and now it's back. It's probably a combo of things. I had myself on a good schedule of working out in January, and then I had that scare and haven't worked out since. Maybe that would help my mood and my body image problems.

In any event, the outlet mall is calling my name. I've decided to give myself permission to by a half new wardrobe. I don't think I need a whole new wardrobe, just half. And I am fully prepared to spend an unlimited amount of money there tomorrow (which of course means I probably won't find one thing since I've convinced myself to spend money). I'm weird about money. It causes me a lot of stress and I tend to not buy myself very much. It makes me feel better to have a very large amount sitting there, just in case. I can always talk myself out of buying something that I want, because I don't *need* it. I'm extremely well budgeted and very good at saving. I've been spending money lately though, like I have a ridiculous amount. It's like my frame of reference has shifted or something. And because I know exactly how much money I expect to have sitting in my hoard by February 28th 2009, assuming everything goes according to plan, spending even several thousand on clothes tomorrow seems utterly insignificant. And anyway, I'll be surprised if I even spend a few hundred.

I know, I know. I should probably be making a gratitude list. Because when did several thousand dollars suddenly become a drop in the bucket. It used to be that I would freak out if I spent 200. These days, I spend more than that to park the car every month. I probably sound like an obnoxious, ungrateful person, among other things. Well, I'm not. And anyway, I'm just buying all new clothes because I am trying to make myself feel better about myself. More later.